Thank youuuuu!!! God is good!!!

Writing Before Sleeping #3

Bangun, sayang
Meski matahari masih terbenam
Sedu sedan tak layak dia
Rindu pilu tak muncul pula

Bangun, sayang
Ada bercabang-cabang jalan
Setapak pun bercerita
Semerbak pula kisahnya

Bangun, sayang
Kamu dan kakimu
Dinanti burung gereja
Dirindu gunung berapi

Bangun, sayang
Hidup ini ingin kau warnai
Seperti ledakan-ledakan
Menghancurkan. Menuliskan cerita lagi

Writing Before Sleeping #2

Every day.
Almost every 4 hours.
Every hour, if possible.
I check my e-mail inbox. 
They said they'll e-mail the announcement around late September.

Funny.
I'll figure my life and my future within days. That simple.
When I get the result, either getting it or failing it again, I can make plans.

For now, what kept me awake is this stupid anxiety.
I hate uncertainty and I hate waiting.
Please, I want to get over it soon.
Just send me the goddamn e-mail.
Make me cry for another rejection or make me jump out of happiness.
I need to know.
.
.
.
.
Zzzz

Writing Before Sleeping #1

You do stupid things in life. That's just normal.
There, there... This too shall pass...
.
.
.
.
.
Hell with it. I'm okay! I'm great! I'm...!!!&%!)(@!#!!!
.
.
Err, no you're not, you're blogging your pre-sleeping anxiety...

*Sigh*
Oh well, okay.
This too shall pass. And one day, you'll look back, and you'll have a good laugh about it.

Zzzzz....

Becoming an alien #traveling

"How about China? Have you seen the great wall?"
"All walls are great as the roof doesn't fall" says Bjork in her Selma Songs.

It might be true. So is it still necessary to travel to China and see the great wall? No. Not to see the great wall.

But it is still necessary to travel and meet people.

I learned a lot from traveling like never before.

When you're lecturing people for a living, it's normal to be confident about your intelligence. But somehow you get too carried away. You stop learning. You feel that you're smart enough.
Traveling is the remedy.

You travel. Alone. Not to see the landmarks, but to test on your surviving skills. If you're really that smart, can you really survive? Out there people are different. The culture is different. The language is different, and sometimes English is just not enough. Your 600 TOEFL score is useless. Your 3-point-something GPA is useless. What important is your adapting skills.

Out there. Alone. I was an alien. I was alienated. No one speaks my language, and the locals don't speak any English. I experienced this when I was stranded in Vieng Xai, Laos, a town near Vietnam border crossing. Very little (almost no) tourist infrastructure. And the transport! Oh! Easy to get there, but there was no bus to take me and my new travel mate back to the main town we're staying. No one speak English and my broken Lao phrases I picked up weren't helping. No bus. No taxi. No cyclo. No motorbike taxi. Nothing! Worse: no one want our money. Back home, money can buy you (almost) everything. A 38km ride is one thing that is supposedly easy to buy.

We waited and waited and waited. Hour after hour. After 4 hours we decided to just fuck it and walk the long 38km winding road, up and down the hills, back to Sam Neua, the main town.

We learned to adapt and survive - helping ourselves when no one would like to help us.

We walked walked and walked. I'm not really strong, but I learned to be. The road was almost empty. There were only 2-3 vehicles in every 30 minutes. Finally, a truck came along. And we hitchhike.
We survived.

No, it wasn't because you're damn smart, or Uni grad, or speak 7 languages. Whatever. Sometimes it's just because you let yourself go with the flow. The universe will do the rest, one very important lesson I learned from the laid-back Laotians.

When you're an alien, you know nothing. And you'll learn to see the world differently. Life is never the same, and it's not like what you think it is. Your rules don't apply. Like a baby, adapt, go with the flow, or you'll suffer.

So, yes. Someday I'll go to China. Not for the great wall, not for the scenic beauty, but for the people. There's always something you can learn from the locals when you travel abroad. One day, my destination would be the moon... Be a complete alien, then watch and learn.

Jack of all traders...

Di awal-awal masa kuliah, gue pernah diramal.
Perlamalnya masih muda, seumuran gue pada saat itu mungkin, dan tampak seperti cewe biasa pada umumnya. Namun entah kenapa, dari sekian seringnya gue di ramal, bahkan oleh yang tampangnya seperti Alm. Mama Loren pun, kata-kata cewe inilah yang paling nyangkut di kepala gue.

Yang pertama dia bilang sama gue adalah, bahwa gue susah banget diramal, karena jiwa gue kosong.
Bused. Jiwa gue kosong? Serem amat.
Hati gue juga kosong, katanya. Karena gue lagi jauh sama Tuhan, dan lagi nggak punya tujuan hidup. Gue lagi depresi.
Bener juga sih, waktu itu gue lagi patah hati, dan kuliah di Sastra membuka pengetahuan gue atas kenyataan-kenyataan hidup yang pahit. Padahal saat itu gue belom siap untuk mengetahui kenyataan-kenyataan itu. Gue masih seru bermain-main dalam lakon komedi dan dongeng-dongeng yang biasanya berakhir dengan happy ending, bukan drama tragedi. Rasanya seperti di film The Matrix, pilih pil merah atau biru? Hehehe...

Satu hal lagi yang gue inget banget dari apa yang dia bilang adalah, bahwa ada sedikit masalah dalam karir gue.
Dia bilang, gue punya banyak bakat. Gue bisa melakukan apa aja dengan baik, dan kebetulan, jalannya selalu ada. Sayangnya, gue rakus. Gue mau melakukan semuanya, jadi apapun yang gue lakukan jadinya setengah-setengah. Nggak total. Gue jack of all traders, but an expert of none. Glek.

Si peramal cuma ngasih satu saran. Temuin satu passion lo dan lakukan dengan total, lalu dekatkan diri lo sama Tuhan. Keadaan lo mengkhawatirkan, dia bilang.

Sekarang, setelah gue pikir-pikir, dia bener juga yah. Terutama bagian karir. Banyak yg gue lakukan, tapi semuanya mentok.
Nyanyi... mentok.
Nulis... mentok.
Modelling... well, emang gak pernah sih....
Ngajar... nggak mentok mentok amat sih, tapi saat ini satu hal yg bikin frustrasi adalah... gue belom berhasil juga buat ngelanjutin kuliah gue. Untuk bisa mengajar dengan lebih baik, gue juga harus sekolah lagi. Kalo nggak, ya ngajar gue akan mentok juga! Saat ini masih menunggu pengumuman hasil seleksi wawancara kemarin, tapi entah kenapa gue nggak mao berharap banyak, mungkin karena saking seringnya ditolak, hehehe.

Apapun yang gue lakukan saat ini, gue merasa nggak gue lakukan dengan maksimal. Padahal, gue tau jalannya selalu ada buat gue, seandainya aja gue bener-bener maksimal atas satu hal.
Nyanyi misalnya. Kalau memang gue niat meluangkan waktu, tenaga, dan uang untuk merekan lagu-lagu yang gue tulis, dan lebih niat belajar main gitar, pasti album solo udah di depan mata. Semua orang udah niat membantu, bahkan rela nggak dibayar sekalipun. Jalannya ada. Yang nggak ada: waktunya. Tapi gue tau itu cuma alesan gue aja. Gue rasa gue masih belom pede aja.

Nulis adalah passion terbesar gue yang bertahan paling lama. Bahkan sampai sekarang. Tapi bisa dibilang passion yang nggak pernah bener-bener gue lakukan dan gue asah lagi beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Padahal dulu, waktu masih sering-seringnya nulis, terutama fiksi, karya-karya gue sering dipublikasikan. Cerpen-cerpen gue masuk majalah, puisi gue masuk buku antologi, dll. Dan lewat tulisan-tulisan itu pula gue pernah menang sayembara dan dapet beasiswa kursus menulis kreatif.
Entah kenapa, satu kritikan tajam bikin gue tumbang. Ternyata gue nggak sekuat tulisan-tulisan gue. Jadi penulis itu berat, apalagi kalau tema-tema yang ditulis cenderung menantang pemikiran-pemikiran mainstream. Butuh waktu lama buat gue untuk bisa bangun dari kritikan. Padahal, bagi seorang penulis, menghadapi kritikan itu harusnya sudah jadi makanan sehari-hari. Mungkin gue terlalu mensakralkan karya-karya gue. Mereka seperti anak-anak gue. Jadi, ketika satu dari sepuluh orang bilang kalo karya gue itu sampah, gue sedihnya bukan main. Padahal, sembilan yang lain bilang bagus. Harusnya sih gue nggak boleh seperti itu. Gue selalu bisa terima kritikan membangun kok, tapi kadang-kadang, ada aja yang ngritik nyampah. Harusnya sih, cukup bilang ya sudah. Nggak apa-apa. Tokh karya itu sudah jadi milik publik ketika dilempar ke pembaca. Tapi mungkin gue tipe 'ibu' yang nggak rela 'anak-anak'nya pergi dari rumah.
Tumbanglah semangat gue nulis. Sesimpel itu. Semudah itu gue jatuh. Gue nggak total. Tapi kalau boleh jujur, menulis masih jadi mimpi gue. Gue pasti bangun lagi.

Teaching. Passion gue yang paling baru, tapi paling konsisten. Ini karir yang paling cocok buat gue. Lahan pekerjaannya selalu ada. Gajinya lumayan. Waktu kerjanya fleksibel. Gue emang nggak bisa bekerja 24/7, gue selalu stress dan ngomel-ngomel setiap kerja kantoran. Melihat kefleksibilitasan waktunya, ngajar memang paling cocok. Apalagi, gue punya 3 bulan paid-holiday (jealous?) Hehehe... Tapi lebih dari itu, ngajar lah yang benar-benar membuat gue merasa hidup gue berarti dan nggak sia-sia. Walaupun gajinya nggak sebesar gaji orang yang kerja di perusahaan minyak, tapi setidaknya, gue merasa memberikan sesuatu yg berguna untuk orang lain. Dan senyum murid-murid gue saat bilang "thank you" jauuuuhhh lebih rewarding dari gaji setinggi apapun buat gue.
Tapi gue tau ini aja nggak cukup. Nggak cukup hanya mengajar bahasa, gue harus mengajar yang lain.. yang secara langsung bisa merubah pola pikir anak-anak di kelas gue. Gue harus mengajar sesuatu yang bisa membuat mereka tercerahkan, seperti apa yang gue alamin dulu waktu kuliah. Gue bener-bener menikmati indahnya ilmu pengetahuan.
Untuk itu, gue harus kuliah lagi. Dan urusan kuliah ini lah yang mentok. Tiap tahun gue selalu berkata hal yang sama: "tahun depan gue harus kuliah!", tapi nggak pernah kejadian. Selalu kepentok masalah ekonomi dan timing. Menyedihkan.

Jujur. Pengalaman nggak merubah gue. Gue masih rakus, mau melakukan semuanya. Masih the jack of all traders and an expert of none. Apa salahnya kalau memang passion kita banyak? Saat ini, justru passion-passion gue itulah yang bikin hati dan jiwa gue nggak kosong lagi.

Hello, Blog. How are you?

I know, I know. I've been such a bad blogger. Blame it all on twitter. I've got almost no reply in multiply now. But I know. No excuse. I shall keep my love for blogging no matter what. And multiply is the most comfortable place, as you can stalk the people who read your blog :-p

Anyway... So what's up life?
I remembered that I promised to blog every single day of my Vietnam trip in January, but it only lasted until the 2nd day. Arrgghh... now for this one blame it on me. I'm just lazy. And you know what, I went to Vietnam again! Hell yeah, I went traveling for a month this summer, starting from Kuala Lumpur, and then I flew to Bangkok... From Bangkok I traveled overland -solo and hobo style- to Hanoi. Crossing northen Laos.

It was amazing. A journey of a lifetime. And it's not because of the scenery or landmarks etc (Indonesia is still prettier, trust me) It's just because the things that I experienced there. Not everything is pretty. At some part of my travel I really lived like a refugee. I almost got arrested in Vientiane, I went hitchin-a-ride in Vieng Xai, met a group of American traveling musician, and stayed in a hippie refugee camp owned by a hippie Israeli, etc. See, not everything is pretty.

But nothing is more rewarding than drinking beers with friendly Laotians, sharing Dji Sam Soe with new American friends, and awed by the scenic beauty of the hills in Vieng Xai (literally in the middle of nowhere) on the way to Sam Neua (also in the middle of nowhere) from the bunk of a pick-up truck running 90km/h- with steep scary cliff only a metre away.

Traveling helps me see my life from a different point of view. Realizing that everything, anything, can happen to you everywhere and at any time. And the fact that you're alone, completely alone, and far away from home is another thing. Suddenly you gained a new super power: surviving. Yeah, it's not just a holiday. At some point I even told myself "WHAT ARE YOU GET YOURSELF INTO, THERA???"

But you know what? Ever since, I learned not to take life for granted anymore, including things that you used to hate, like Jakarta and its traffic jam.

Moreover, the trip helped me understand myslef more then ever. I realized what I really want to do in life. I realized how much my life is worth. And I'm thankful, sincerely thankful for every precious second. It's such an amazing life we live i. Make the most of it. See the world. Seize it.

And hell yeah, I'm so goddamn proud of myself. I actually did it!

I'll blog the details! I promise!
Hello, Blog! I'm back!