Girls Night Out - white lies needed

It has been ages since my last girls' night out. Clubbing. I am not a clubbers, I hate clubbing. yet, sometimes I want it for a little change in life.

Yesterday. It was a damn wild night. First stop to a small bar wher the drinks are real cheap. Tequila cola, a pitcher, please. 95000 IDR. It's enuf to get all four of us very very tipsy. I was a little high, tipsy, yet I took the car keys and drove to the next club. Haha. With all the strength and prayer that I have, we survived the trip to vertigo (i've never been there before, I swear). There we met this really high drunk guy whose keep hugging me and my friend. He bought us some beers. His friend told me that he's just take three inex, so be careful. Okay. At first I let him danced near us. but untill he became soo annoying, keep telling me how pretty I was, how sexy I was, and offered me to drive me home... I made a desicion.

He asked, "It's okay isn't it? I really really like you!"
I told him "It's up to you!" sceaming, trying to defeat the humping pumping sound of progressif house music that I can't understand, I can't enjoy (or at least, I was trying my best to enjoy the music and dance)
Then he tried to hug me again. Fuck.
Then I said "It's okay for you to like me... but I prefer girls"
He gave a surprised face. "You mean you're a lesbian?"
I nodded. He walked away. I scored. get away you freakin high drunk guy...

White lies should be legalized... in certain places and time...

Another Essay About Wonderbra

Another essay about Wonderbra from Abaw, our favorite critique, in

http://somaphilia.blogs.friendster.com/somaphilia/2006/06/wonderbras_thre.html

Wonderbra's three new songs!
Freedom is the state of being of every artist, so no wonder that u can never constraint her works in a uniform scheme. The same rule applies to one of my fave bands, Wonderbra. Different from its previous shamanic single, “die!die! baby die!”, the new songs drive me to face a personality; a female one. The songs place me as if I was in this forlorn theatre where there’re only me and her, yet there’s an absolute gap between us; she was the performer and I was her only spectator.

Despite that fact, you need to know that I’m a very demanding spectator. If the story performed is just about a girl who is madly-in-love-need-fuck-get-dump, I’ll go away. But, what I’m seeing is a Greek-like tragedy with quality. It’s about one woman who is struggling to get away from the phantom that has haunted each woman since the day she was planned to be born into this world. Virginia Woolf gave the phantom an eloquent name, “the angel in the house.”

The woman is still struggling; I can hear her groaning, yelling, and cursing the fucking angel. But, the angel just keeps smiling, as if there’s nothing important; nothing significant in her distress. My heroine surely won’t take it, since the matter involved is deep; it concerns the very meaning of her existence. The angel is forcing her to stay on surface; blocking her path to her own essence. So you see that it has nothing to do with hatred. She doesn’t really hate it. She just wants to dig it deep.

Unfortunately, there’s no other way, because the angel is abso-fucking-lutely dull. She must kill it. She’s using all her might just for one fatal blow. Yet, there’s no blood; the angel is still smiling maliciously, keeping its composure; maybe waiting for her to get tired herself, and finally shut up. Slowly, the heroine starts to show the limit of her energy. After all, she’s just a human being. Her voice becomes weaker; soon it’ll be the end. But, even though I know for sure that my heroine will lose this battle, I can hear a faint whisper coming through her breath… ”this desperation is because of you!” … Some might think that it’s only some silly last words from a dying person, but for me, it show a determined will, and because of that, there’s a possibility for a hope; a hope that the heroine is just resting temporally; a hope that someday, she will wake up strongly and achieve her glory.

June 02, 2006

For critique about DIE DIE BABY DIE see:

http://somaphilia.blogs.friendster.com/somaphilia/2005/12/diediebaby_die.html

sms

Semoga yg tuhan tau itu bukan kekhawatiran gue. Ada iri sama dengki g dengerinnya [Sender: 0816161xxxx, 22/06/06 00:07am]

Jaga diri lo Thera. Lo cantik, cerdas, my type, lo harus dapet terbaik. Ktemu di mimpi g ya. [Sender: 0816161xxxx, 22.06/06 00:15am]

a friend send me this sms as I told him what's happening in my mind. Surprised. Yet, overwhelmed. Happy. I cried a tear. I really like his unique personality and his words are so much help for relieving my confusion and madness. No, not as lovers or whatever, for we know we both are waaay too far away for each other and we both commited for someone, and something else. But his words "lo harus dapet terbaik", helps a lot. At least I know, there's an unlimited possibility out there. The possibility to find the best for me.

Bego lo ther...

Thera! Lo kan bukan cewe lugu! Lo kan dikelilingi banyak cowo... dan cowo2 yg lo kenal juga bukan cowo baik2... Lo tau lah trik2nya gimana cowo2 kaya gitu! Kenapa lo masih bisa ketipu juga sih? Aneh lo! Bego!... Said one of my good friend. A Boy friend (Not lover, not boyfriend)

Theraaa! Lo kan cantiik! banyak cowo yang mao sama elo! Knapa lo mao2nya? Knapa? Emang seganteng apa sih dia? Huahaha... Bego lo ther! said another good friend, a boy...

Huahaha... Theraa... gue juga suka gitu sih dulu ama cewe, walopun ga sejahat itu, tp gw dulu pernah lah begitu. Bego lo ter, masih bisa ketipu juga! Padahal kan lo sendiri juga nggak sebego itu untuk percaya sama cowo kaya gitu another one...

yea yea yea.. go on and stupid'in me around. I don't care. I just need someone to share and really could understand me well. fcuk you guys!

It's not me who's that stupid. It's just him who's waaayyyy too proffesional. A professional cheater, a professional liar!

the truth about my life...

The truth about life
is depressing
it's like wheter u have to choose the red pill or the blue pill in the matrix. The blue will reveal the depressing truth about life, while red will keep you sleeping in the dreamy beautiful 'fake' life.

Soo.. what it is going to be? The beautiful 'fake' life? or the depressing 'truth' about life?

I have always been curious about the truth... ever since I was a little tomboy girl. I know life isn't all about studying, school, birthdays, present, relationship, marriage, children, teens, maturity, whatsoever. I'm not sure wheter what it is. but I'm sure that it's gotta be something more than that.

It is something more...

I've read plenty of books telling me that I am living in such a fake life... full of people with socially-constructed mind, and a socially-constructed life.

We are all a robot. We are all a clockwork. We are all controlled by the society. Our mind. Our body. Our soul. Everything is fake. We are all constructed. You are constructed. I am constructed. Your parents are constructed. Your teachers are constructed. people who raised you are constructed.

Yet, you cannot live alone. You have to be constructed in order to be togerther with people, to have a social life. But your soul deep within screaming, hoping to break the chain. But your soul can't, because your mind is still constructed.

But it's all fake. I know it. We are all living on a fake world, we are all have a dummy life. This is just a phoney life.

The truth about my life is...
fake...
dummy...
phoney...

Even the truth is constructed

Hati Yang Pernah Utuh

Jemariku menari bersama tiupan angin yang melambai,
menarikku jauh ke semburat warna ungu di tepian tangisku.
Dan pelukan orang satu persatu kembali ke alam tangisan dimana puing-puing pecahan porselin itu pernah berserakah di tanah.

Apa kabar hati yang utuh? Yang sekarang sudah menjadi abu dan pecahan puing-puing guci porselin yang tidak jelas lagi bentuknnya. Ibunda merindukanmu...

Lalu mataku menarik tarikan garis lurus menembus garis horison yang tertutup oleh gedung-gedung pencakar langit. Dimana lagikah sesungguhnya batas antara langit dan bumi yang jelas? Garis lurus itu kupaku untuk menembus waktu, membawanya ke dimensi di mana kau tak dapat bergerak. Hanya dirimu dan terorku.

Lalu apa lagi yang harus kulukiskan di hati yang pernah utuh? Tiadakah perasaan ingin memberontak, melawan, mencintai, bercinta, merasa, menangis, tertawa, tersakiti, terenyuh, terbang, terbebaskan?
Perasaan apa lagi yang saat ini menjejakkan waktu dan tapaknya di hatiku yang pernah utuh? Masih adakah perasaanku? Masihkan aku seorang manusia?

Aku dan terorku memaku dirimu. Dirimu terpaku oleh aku dan terorku. Bukankah kita semua hidup berdampingan dan bahagia bersama teror yang membabi buta? Bagaimana caranya cahaya gelap itu masuk dari celah hatiku yang pernah utuh?

Aku muak oleh kemarahan. Aku takut terbakar api yang kuciptakan. Namun aku juga tak tahan dengan bekunya es yang mematikan.

Aku tidak pernah ingin sendiri dalam keadaan seperti ini.

Aku ingin membunuh keindahan kalian. Aku ingin memasung kalian diantara batasan langit dan bumi seperti sebuah adegan penebusan dosa yang penuh darah. Aku ingin menciumi kalian satu persatu, dengan luapan kecintaan yang diselimuti oleh benci. Atau dengan kebencian yang dihias oleh kecintaan.

Aku mencintai keindahan kalian, namun aku terlarut oleh busuknya bau yang pernah kalian ciptakan. Di mana lagi harum mawar itu? Mawar merah yang berdarah-darah. Aku terlanjur terluka oleh duri kalian.

Lalu aku membangun auraku satu persatu. Melukiskannya di langit dengan darahku dan darah kalian. Aku tidak ingin mengembalikan sebuah kesucian, yang aku inginkan hanyalah sebuah perasaan. Kembalikan hatiku yang pernah utuh itu.

Aku rindu mencintai kalian dengan tulus. Aku rindu mengecup bibir kalian yang penuh warna dan aroma. Aku rindu merasakan gelitik sayap kupu-kupu yang perlahan-lahan menampar hatiku. Satu-persatu, sesungguhnya aku ingin memeluk kalian dengan penuh kecintaan.

Kekasihku, yang menenggelamkanku ke dasar laut yang penuh darah. Aku mencitai kalian seperti induk burung di tengah sarangnya. Aku bahkan mencintai duri yang selalu kalian ciptakan. Namun kenapa aku tidak lagi memilikki perasaan?

Apa kabar hatiku yang pernah utuh? Ibunda akan merangkai kembali puing-puing yang pernah terbelah. Menjadikan mereka satu, kembali menciptakan dirimu. Sudahlah,lupakan saja semua duri yang pernah melukaimu. Suatu saat nanti mereka akan menghilang dimakan waktu, dan kembali dengan perisai bercahaya untuk melindungi dirimu dari duri-duri yang lebih tajam.

Hatiku yang pernah utuh. Sesungguhnya akulah yang paling mencintai dirimu. Kembalilah ke pelukanku, kembalilah ke rumahmu, di dalam diriku. Mari cepat, sebelum aku mati membeku...

It's a Fair Life!

In a hectic moment like this... I must manage my time to update my blog... besok ujian pengantar kajian budaya (belum blajar sama sekali) dan deadline jam 3 untuk paper film sastra (belum bikin sama sekali) and also lusa deadline untuk paper Pemikiran Pemikiran Amerika (Bahan referensi sama skali blom disentuh... John Dewey... datanglah ke mimpiku malam ini... lets talk about pragmatism, education and democracy) Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Status gue saat ini : MISKIN DAN LAPAR!!!

Tadi sore nyokap nelpon gw, katanya gue ditelpon unilever karena gw menang kuis yang beauty camp ke Bali itu... WaW! seru nih kalo bener (u know.. kan banyak penipuan2 gitu... hrs hati2) Ternyata Tuhan emang adil (ehm.. lagi2, mengingat seandainya saja pengumuman menang kuis ke Bali ini bukan penipuan) apa yang gue jalanin belakangan ini kan lumayan berat dan bikin muak, yet I still have some good news!

Another good news... WONDERBRA will be performing in lapangan hoki Somantri Kuningan (pasar festival) hari Sabtu 10 Juni ini... Yippiee... sudah lama tak menyentuh panggung besar! Yup yup yup... Tuhan saat ini lagi adil sama gue.. hehehe hihihi *sooo happy*

About Wonderbra... uda lama juga kan ya gw ga ngomongin kehidupan wonderbra d sini... well, kita akhirnya sign kontrak sama Limi Record, dan saat ini lagi dalam proses rekaman. Gw bakal dikasih 3 shift sendiri buat vokal... (sinting... it means 6 hours x 3 times = 18 hours!!!) Persiapan gw... hmm mengurangi rokok dan perbanyak olah raga... gue mulai bernang lagi dan pengen banget jogging lagi (dulu gw sanggup jogging more than 20km, jaman sma nan sehat jasmani dan rohani ituuhh hehehe) mulai latihan pernafasan lagi buat memperkuat otot perut dan sekitarnya... hmm hmm... it's gonna be fun... finally Wonderbra will have it's own record! Yippie...

I will always be the virgin-prostitute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman. I suffered deeply from my own forwardness as a woman. As a man, I would have been glad to have what I desired. You are the man who is the axis of my world.He is angry at the amorality of women like myself. He himself practices all the disloyalties, all the treacheries, but the faithlessness of a woman hurts him. Life is not rational; it is just mad and full of pain. Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions. You are a sexual angel, but you're an angel just the same. You are a narcissist. That is the raison d'etre of the journal. Journal writing is a disease. But it's all right. It's very interesting.

(Anais Nin, Henry and June)