Oh God, what should I do with my life?

Malam ini seperti malam-malam kemarin. tidak bisa tidur. insomnia akut datang lagi. mungkin gara2 terbiasa begadang sejak ngerjain skripsi, gw jd gini deh... yasudah lah... gue akhrnya menjalani hidup bagaikan kalong lagi, padahal sempat lho gw merasa ngantuk jam 10 malam, which is good... karena gue bisa bgn pagi dan bgn bagi bikin muka gue gak gampang keliatan tua. now, i have this black circle under my eyes. soo soo ugly... err... i know, lagi banyak yg wara wiri di pikiran gw saat ini, salah satunya adalah: WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE???

Dulu waktu SMP, SMA, dan kuliah, gue selalu tau gue harus ngapain, gimana, ke mana... gue selalu punya tujuan. Gw memutuskan masuk labs waktu SMP karena di labs ada kelas bahasa, dan emg udah gw incer. Dr kelas 1 pun gw juga udah ngincer pmdk biar gw bs masuk Ui tanpa harus spmb. Gue susun strategi dan berhasil. Kuliah, gue tau kalo gue pengen nulis skripsi (di kuliah gw ada dua jalur utk lulus: skripsi dan nonksripsi) dan gue udah pasang target buat lulus dengan IPK min 3,3. Sejauh ini ipk gw di atas itu... and I know that I should've been set higher target... I know what I can do and cannot do... api sekarang gue sadar kalo kecerdasan orang itu nggak bisa diukur dengan angka... jadi, semua nilai2 itu percuma, semua gelar, semua diploma, semua trophy I got from debating championship, dan semua sertifikat2 tkt nasional regional yg gue koleksi... Buat gue nggak ada gunanya, coz what have I learned from all that? what's it all about? Nothing.. it's just for the sake of pride.

Tapi sekarang apa. Gue bentar lg lulus. Gue mao ngapain, mao kemana, gimana. Kerja? What for? Life for work? money? materials matter? is it really important to get wealthy? Gue gak mao kerja 9to5 seperti kebanyakan org, bisa gila gw, dan gw gak mao jadi budak kapitalis, hehehe... msh idealis. Lebih baik jadi bos di perusahaan kecil milik sendiri dr pd jadi kacung di perusahaan gede. Tapi gue bingung, gw gak punya pengalaman bisnis... Apakah sebaiknya gue nyanyi aja seumur gue? is it really the passion of my life? I love singing. People've been telling me to sing, be a singer, they said I was born to sing. But singin for me was like an accident...gak sengaja iseng2, eh ternyata gue bisa nyanyi! Dan hal itu gue terusin sampe sekarang. Am I really ready to be a singer? The passion of my life is actually writing. I love to write since I've learned to read. Tp belakangan ini gue kehilangan hasrat dan percaya diri gue dari nulis... dan butuh waktu untuk bisa mengembalikannya lg... Should I teach? should I be a teacher? I believe that being a teacher should be for life, karena kita harus selalu share pengetahuan ke banyak orang, it's an obligation for everybody, semua org suatu saat pasti merasakan jd guru utk org lain. entah teman, anak, pacar, adik, kakak, dll dll dll. Apa gue kuliah lagi? tapi kenapa gue ragu ngambil langkah yg ini sekarang? gue takut gue nggak sanggup... I'm afraid I'm actually not that good enough for grad school... I'm afraid of failing, I've been successfull all my life and I'm not used to it. The imagination of failure freaks me out too...

Lalu apa? married? Beberapa temen ada yg udah married. Dan belakangan ini salah satu di antaranya curhat soal kehidupan rumah tangganya. Gile, blm married setahun dia udah curhat, katanya berantem mulu, padahal dulu semangat bener pengen marriednya... gue bener2 nggak ngerti.... I'm now in a state where marriage really freaks me out, I'm very afraid of it... gw inget sodara sepupu gw pernah bilang "marriage is just like gambling, u'll never know how your marriage turns out to be... You can be lucky if you have a nice husband, but you can be wrecked if you didn't. The one and only thing why I choose to marry is because I want a child, and i want it legally...". Waktu gue tanya kenapa, dia cuma bilang "Because I need a reason to live, by being a mother to my child".

Dan gue rasa itu bener... dan gue jadi pengen punya anak, terutama setelah gue punya keponakan. Bot now, but hopefully someday... Karena saat ini gue sedang ragu dengan semuanya...

Jadi sekarang gue harus ngapain dong? gue kehilangan tujuan hidup... this is why I cannot sleep at night lately... I've been thinking a lot...

Thera.. thera... thera... you're getting older but you're not getting wiser... I really need a break from all this stuff...