Aimless Contemplation

choose life, choose a carieer...

The opening voice-over of Trainspotting the movie has been pasted in my mind for quite a while now. I still remember how it felt when I was mesmerized by the way that film's subtleness depicted its beauty. Transpotting as a beauty? For me, yes. The beauty of rebelling toward the so-called conventional system, and the beauty of coming-of phase in every man's life. I am really into that kindda stuff, that is sort of like my lifetime thesis.

This is what I've been doing whole my life. I choose. I am here now because I've made tons of decisions. I decided to major in the language class and ended up graduated from English Studies UI with quite a satisfaction. I decided to express my sadness and anger positively by singing. And I decided to teach, to share whatever I can share with others, because I have an urge to do so.

And here I am now, wondering around through mazes of choices. And I simply can't choose anything. I am, once again, in a state of complete blindness, mentally impaired, having to not knowing what I should do with my life. I thought I had been doing what I wanted to do, teaching, singing, writing, etcetera. But then again, I always confused along the way without achieving he best of whatever I've been doing. I feel like I am such a failure sometimes.

I really don't know what to do with my life at this moment. I am bored. I am confused. I choose not to move. I choose stagnancy. I need time to figure out my pace in life. Just for now, hopefully... I if I hate to be like this forever. I used to be the alpha girl in my society, I used to be the matador in the dusty field. Now, I am simply just a clueless girl in anothe life's maze...