Female Leviathan

sentuh

2009-04-20T00:21:00.001+07:00

suatu saat nanti. semua kata akan menjadi dusta.

semua tatap muka akan menjadi murka.

dan akan tiba suatu titik dimana atap kita akan runtuh.

lalu setubuh melengkapi jenuh.

diantara peralihan-peralihan masa itu.

ujung jemari kita akan kembali saling menyentuh.

I'm back

2009-04-20T00:06:00.003+07:00

After neglecting my blogger account for 2 years, I'm back. Eventually.

Why?

Because multiply is not fun anymore. Less and less real bloggers are using it.

More and more online-shops are in it. Thus, I'm sick of all those clothing advertisment.

People are vastly shifting to facebook. I'm one of them, but I think facebook is too dangerous.

I can't hide behind any mask in facebook. Even my mom has an account!

So here I am now... back to my private secretive life in blogger.

Drizzle of Words: A Quick Preview: wonderbra's Crossing the Railroad

2007-03-22T23:22:00.000+07:00

Drizzle of Words: A Quick Preview: wonderbra's Crossing the Railroad

Setelah Meramu Rasa

2007-02-20T01:51:00.000+07:00

Semayam hangat rasa dari suhu tubuhmu, dan sepercik rasa dingin dari rembesan peluhmu yang mengakar di serabut-serabut kail yang melandasi ranjang kita. Yang aku lihat adalah sosok alam yang sedang meditasi, membatu di sudut ruang, mengiramai detak jantung pohon yang menjadi atapnya. Menjaga kilauan yang sedikit banyak bercahaya menyerupai putih, tapi dia bukan putih.

Aku baru saja berbagi sari-sari gizi dari tanah kepadanya. Kami memeluk erat dengan akar kami yang bergerak di bawah sana. Kami saling menyentuh, tapi tidak tersentuh. Terkadang dedaunan yang menjutai pun saling bersalaman, berusaha saling menyentuh bibirnya, tapi tidak dapat. Karena semua persentuhan bagi dua bongkah pohon yang tumbuh bersampingan nista lah dalam percakapan sesama makhluk yang bukan manusia. Lalu kami hanya bisa bersentuh setitik dua titik, tapi sensasi meledakkan derisan air dan meniral yang sedang kami olah. Ah, sungguh persetubuhan dua tangkai yang menjuntai, terasing dalam kesepian walau tertanam berdekatan.

Ah, sungguh kami ingin saling memeluk!

27 Jan 2007, dini hari.

terucap

2007-02-20T00:21:00.000+07:00

ringankan satu hati dua pecinta
dalam duka dan doa satu kata terucap artikan semua
kala salju itu mulai mengintip
dan hujan berbaris hendak menyalip
sementara mentari sudah lebih dulu bersinar
dua pecinta berbagi rasa
satu henbusan angin berbisik
karena perih tiada arti kala cinta terucap
kala cinta terucap

Akustik Area

2007-01-28T02:03:00.000+07:00

Tadi Wonderbra abis manggung di acaranya anak2 d3 komunikasi FISIP UI, damn… it was great. It was our first performance after we just released our 1^st album. We feel really honored, since the audience was so fuckin great. Even if it was an acoustic performance (we’ve told you many times that we’re not really good in acoustic) yet we really kick ass. Phew.

Gue sedang mimpi indah, teman2...

2007-01-02T04:02:00.000+07:00

Hai sahabat2ku yang baik...
Gue cuma mao bilang. Saat ini gue sedang jatuh cinta, dan gue sangat bahagia. Gue mencintai dan dicintai. Gue tau banyak yg gak setuju dgn apa yg sekarang gw lg jalanin, terutama dari orang2 terdekat gue yg care sama gue. Karena mereka tau betapa fragile nya gue, dan betapa mudahnya gue pecah. Terimakasih untuk care sama gue teman2... terimakasih udah ngasi gue warning gila2an waktu gue minta saran... maafin gue kalo ternyata pilihan yg gue ambil nggak seperti yg kalian harapkan karena ternyata setelah gue lebih jauh mengenal dia, dia nggak seperti yang kalian duga selama ini. Gue sadar kok kalian melakukannya karena khawatir sama gue... sekarang gak usah khawatirin gue lagi, apapun yg terjadi, gue udah siap dan cukup kuat kok buat nerima resikonya... tokh gue udah belajar banyak dari kesalahan2 gue di masa lalu, dan gue udah kebal dengan rasa sakit dan pengkhianatan. Gue janji kali ini (kl terjadi apa2) gue nggak akan ngerepotin kalian lg... gue nggak akan nelpon kalian malem2 dan ngeganggu tidur kalian dengan isak tangis gue lagi...

Karena gue tau banyak yg nggak setuju, dan banyak yg merasa aneh, gue sempet merahasiakan ini dari sahabat2 gue. Tp itu nggak adil. Gue nggak bisa ngebohongin sahabat2 gue, dan lagi... gue nggak sanggup men-deny keberadaan org yg gue cintai ini dari kalian semua. Makanya gue nulis blog ini dan sengaja gue post di friendster, karena gue udah cape dengan pretensi.

Orang yg gue cintai ini juga mencintai gue, dia memperlalukan gue seperti dewi. Gue menikmati cerita2 dia, dan dia mengajari banyak hal ke gue tentang hidup. Gue ngerti banyak yg menganggap semua itu tipu daya dan rayuan belaka, tapi gue sendiri udah membuktikan kalo semua itu nyata, dan gue punya data faktualnya. Gue mencari data bukti akan hal2 hiperbola atau kebohongan2 yg mungkin ada, tapi yg gue temuin justru kenyataan2 yg indah, fakta2 yg indah, yg bikin gue semakin jatuh cinta. Gue nggak bisa menjelaskan dengan baik, karena kayanya perasaan ini cuma gue dan dia yang bisa mengerti...

Temen2... kalopun ternyata gue gagal lagi dalam sebuah hubungan, atau gue disakitin lagi, atau bahkan gue yg menyakiti dia... gue udah siap koq. Gue siap dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada di depan sana, dan gue nggak akan menyesal. Gue nggak akan pernah menyesal pernah mencintai dia, karena sejauh ini dia udah ngajarin gue banyak sekali hal2 tentang hidup, dia membantu gue menyusun puzzle2 gue yg belom selesai, membantu merangkai rantai2 yg putus. Dia ngasih banyak energi positif buat gue, dia membuat gue kembali menulis setelah setahun lamanya gue writer's block, dia membuat gue percaya lagi kalo yg namanya cinta itu masih eksis di dunia gue, dia mendorong gue lagi buat terus berkarya (produktifitas gue mendadak naek 200%), dia menyembuhkan kesakitan spiritual gue, dia ngajarin gue lagi untuk kembali bermimpi setelah gue terlalu lama terlena realita.

Temen2, gue udah lama bgt nggak merasa sebahagia ini. Biarlah gue tetep bahagia seperti ini, jangan bangunkan gue kembali pada realitas, gue sangat merindukan mimpi2 ini, dan gue sangat amat membutuhkannya. I am very happy, guys. I feel secure. I'm hugging the whole universe. Don't worry about me, I'm a big girl, and I am ready for every possibillity that could happen in the future...

Gue sedang mimpi indah, teman2... Please, jangan bangunin gue...

PS: I love u, sahabat2ku... U're still the best! Sekali lagi terimakasih untuk care sama gue :)

ABOUT 2006

2006-12-28T18:00:00.000+07:00

JANUARY
Events: Break up, worst birthday ever, bermabuk seminggu setelah ulang tahun di parc, perkenalan dengan orang2 baru.
Feelings: Membiru, menjadi ungu kemudian menghitam.
State of mind: Kacau banget. Mungkin ini titik utamanya perputarbalikan hidup gue. Umur gue 21, ternyata hidup bener2 berubah drastis. Pemikiran2 dan lain-lain jadi terbalik. Gue jadi lebih mengeksplorasi diri saat ini.

FEBRUARY
Events: gak ada yg penting.
Feelings: Black aurora.
State of mind: Kesepian gila2an. Tangisan2 malam tiada henti.

MARCH
Events: Pertemuan kembali dengan makhluk yg merubah hidup.
Feelings: Layar hitam dengan titik biru cerah di tengahnya.
State of mind: Asal dan nekat. Pertemuan dengan lingkungan baru cukup menghibur dan menyenangkan. Tambah pengetahuan baru tentang hedon2.

APRIL
Events: Malam2 gila. Britbash 2006.
Feelings: Abu2 karena lelah dan orange bercampur.
State of mind: lelah! penat! dikecewakan oleh beberapa teman dekat, tapi nggak papa sih... Pikiran tentang banyak hal membaur. Keragu-raguan. Bulan ini saya sedang bodoh2nya... hehe

MAY
Events: 1st time ****ing, betrayed, menggores2 pergelangan tangan dengan gunting tumpul.
Feelings: Hitam karena tress, merah karena aku berdarah-darah.
State of mind: Bulan dimana aku belajar banyak hal. Berpikir keras. Menjadi jahat secara tidak disengaja, dan secara sengaja. I believed in V for Vendetta at this state. Perputaran terbesar terjadi saat ini. Menangis, menangis, menangis, tapi kemudian tertawa hahaha. Sampah2 berbicara. Tikus2 got mengendap2 merasuki mimpi2 indahku. Ternoda? Tidak, bulan ini hanya mengasah pisauku menjadi lebih tajam dari pada sebelumnya.

JUNE
Events: Teman baru yang menyenangkan, walau hanya untuk sesaat. Senang2 artificial. Berjumpa dengan banyak orang artificial. Berkenalan dengan kepalsuan2 hidup. Semua orang mengenakan topeng saat ini.
Feelings: Seperti make up kabuki atau topeng barongsay bali berwarna-warni. Oh iya, tidak lupa kostum lengkapnya.
State of mind: Lelah, pusing, dan bingung. Semua orang mengenakan topeng yang tidak aku mengerti. Di saat mereka mengenakan topeng penuh warna, aku hanya mengenakan topeng pantomist. Saat ini aku belajar teori2 konspirasi secara alamiah. Sedikit muak dengaan dunia2 naif dan orang2 yang berpura2 baik.

JULY
Events: Masih seputar kepalsuan hidup dan orang2 bertopeng ganda.
Feelings: Semakin banyak topeng beraneka ragam bentuk dan warna, aku bingung memilihnya.
State of mind: Muak! aku mengambil samurai dan memecahkan semua topeng2 seniman yang mereka pakai, meskipun aku sendiri mengenakan topeng ninja!

AUGUST
Events: Meninggalkan pasukan topeng, bergabung dengan pasukan "kemasan", berkenalan dengan orang baru yang kukira berpotensi menjadi pacar.
Feelings: Lepasnya biru langit! Aku terbang bebas dengan lega...
State of mind: Memakan kata2 indah. Mencernanya dengan baik. Mengupas kemasan2 orang2 disekitarku, menelanjangi mereka satu persatu. Ah, ternyata sama saja dengan pasukan bertopeng.

SEPTEMBER
Events: teman2 baru, kesempatan2 baru, mengenal kembali teman2 terdekat, masih mengupas kemasan dan berusaha memakan dagingnya.
Feelings: Berubah-ubah. Senin bisa putih, berikutnya ungu, lalu putih lagi, lalu biru kehitaman, lalu putih, lalu merah... dst.
State of mind: menikmati kebodohanku sendiri yang kusadari. Aku di puncak masokhisme dan kegilaan2 yang lain. Aku menikmati semuanya.

OCTOBER
Events: tidak ada yang special sepertinya. Oh iya, teman2 dekat mengecewakan aku lagi, tapi aku juga mengecewakan mereka.
Feelings: Kuning kunyit seperti jeruk busuk yang wanginya menusuk.
State of mind: Pegaaaalllll!!! Pikiran pun ternyata bisa pegaaallll!!! Aku mau hentikan roller coaster yang membawaku ke angkasa itu, tapi aku tidak bisa!

NOVEMBER
Events: Malam2 penuh air mata.
Feelings: Kotak2 hitam putih tidak beraturan, seperti TTS... oh iya, seperti kertas koran dengan tinta cat yang gagal hingga belepetan kemana-mana...
State of mind: Terjerat oleh jala pikiran yang kurangkai sendiri. Rutinitas yang monoton itu nyaris membunuhku perlahan-lahan.

DECEMBER
Events: Pertemuan dua bintang, persatuan dua jiwa, pembaptisan menjadi nabi dan kekasih dunia.
Feelings: Aurora jingga, ungu, lembayung, merah jambu, biru turqois , dan hal2 indah lain di dalamnya.
State of mind: Saat yang terindah dalam 2006, aku berdamai dengan diriku sendiri. Menikmati hal2 baru yang kupelajari. Belajar mencintai mimpi.

2006-12-25T21:17:00.000+07:00

Suatu hari dalam kepulan asap neraka
Valhalla menangis
Satu tetes tangisannya bisa membuat seseorang bunuh diri
dan menambahkan jumlah darah yang terkumpul di sana
Ini adalah saat dimana seorang malaikat menyerah pada nikmatnya tersesat

Mencumbu Tuhanku

2006-12-24T03:04:00.000+07:00

Tak tentu

Tak tentu arah warna-warna ini mengiring

Hanya tamparan dari sabda-sabda alam

Hanya sedikit tipuan dari banyak pendeta yang berani berucap “Haleluya!”

Ah, tuhan yang kupuja lebih tidak emosional

Seperti pacar yang tidak akan mengeluh walau tidak dikasi kabar

Emosi itu memang harus sedikit ditimang-timang

Dalam alam tidak tersadar dimana tuan putri selalu tertidur

Dan tidak ada Pangeran yang akan membangunkan

Karena tidak ada cinta pertama

Tek tentu, tak tentu

Tak tentu arah menentu

Hanya angin tanpa kabar

Tempat dimana pikiranku tersandar

Tidak bimbang

Bahkan sangat tepat

Pemujaan pada dewa-dewa yang tak lagi bisa terlihat

Mata manusia yang sudah terlalu banyak tertiup asap

Magis itu ada di hati, teman

Sensasi spiritualitas dari semesta dan matahari-mataharinya

Ah, tangan-tanganku menari

Bersama putaran jiwa

Kasat mata

Berputar

Menari

Tak tentu

Menentu

Sekarang aku siap mencumbu tuhanku

berbagi

2006-12-17T03:57:00.000+07:00

kemana saja kamu selama ini?
yang kucari terus menerus selama 22 tahun
aku mencarimu ke dunia khayal bagian tepi
hingga akhirnya roh mu datang dan menyapa
tersenyum dan melakukan kenekatan menyenangkan
walaupun semua orang tidak percaya dengan kata-kata kami
tapi kami saling jatuh cinta dengan setiap kata-kata
dua manusia indah
berbagi nafas
berbagi denyut
berbagi realita
berbagi mimpi

2006-12-16T03:31:00.000+07:00

Diantara dentingan piano ray Charles
Kutemukan sebuah wacana gila tempat aku dapat berenang dan tenggelam di dalamnya
batas anatara realitas dan khayal
Ini bukan tentang ray Charles!
Ray Charles hanyalah pengiring yang sesungguhnya tidak pantas dalam wacana ini
Karena aku ingin tenggelam dalam-dalam di tengah-tengah pusaran ombak
Aku mau mati dan dibangkitkan kembali
Tuhan, jangan ingatkan aku bahwa aku pernah terlibat kepalsuan itu di masa lalu
Karena luapan-luapan yang tidak biasa ini akan kembali menyesatkan aku menurut perspektifmu
Dan aku kembali ingin tenggelam dalam kegilaan ini
Yang mungkin suatu saat akan membuatku menceraikan rasionalitasku
Aku bermimpi di tengah kolam darah
Memuji mencintai memuja mengingini
Orgasme dengan mimpi
Orgasme dengan semua yang kucintai saat ini!

Bekasi, setengah 4 pagi...

percakapan para dewa

2006-12-14T01:38:00.000+07:00

Tlp ditutup, tiba2 hampa, spt kehilangan setengah hidup, damn its great. I feel like dyonisus, the god of wine, after he kissed ariadne, the goddess oh labirynth...

Such a beautiful poem from such a beautiful poet. I feel like hugging you right now

thats worth 4 the most beautiful person i've ever met

Hatiku pernah membebatu, terbebat batu-batu. gemeletukannya terdengar hinggareruntuhan puri batu pelebur kutuk. Mataku pernah melelinang, terbelit linangan-linangan. Gemericikannya terdengar hingga rerincikan rincikan mata air para dewa.mulutku pernah membisu, terbius basa-basi. Sesunyiannya terdengar hingga rerintihan air mata para dewi. Ah, apa dosa! hingga terselubung karat-kemaratku sendiri, meski sering kukata bahwa dosa telah tiada. Sebab terdiam seperti semedi seribu candi, seribu adalah sepi.

Aku membisiki itu ditelinga kamu, sambil melukin kamu. lantas bilang: its ok, horn, everything is gonna be ok!

Ya, ada empat permata yang kau sampaikan padaku lewat bisikan angin. keempat permata itu kugenggam erat sampai mereka membatu. Menjadi bagian dari aku

harum dan kilau batu2 ini mengantarku melayang menuju genggaman (senggama) erat tanganmu yg sakti tapi lembut itu. 1000x :-*

Lama ku terdiam. Merasakan semua kecupan yang kau sampaikan. Dalam terpejam kutajamkan indera perasaku, agar aku dapat merasakan semua sentuhan yang kau sampaikan lewat angin.

angin memang kurang ajar, sering meraba tubuh kita tanpa permisi, tp sangat efektif sbg media utk menyampaikan bahasa2 buana spt permata yg kini sedang kau genggam

bersyukurlah pada angin. krn ia lah yg menghantarmu ke pelukanku kini. apakah dia sudah menghantar kecupan yg ku kirim? daratkan kecupan itu pd bibir pujanggamu

yeah, hail to the lord of wind! kecupanmu mendarat tepat di ujung terdalam jantungku yg mendenyut mencepat di semenjak tak kutakutkan lagi akan sakit yang meradang

biarlah kita bersama membasuh dan membalut luka. hentikan sakit itu di beberapa tempat kenangan, biarlah sisanya mengalir selayaknya mimpi yang tergenang di atas air. dan sakit yang kurasa kini berbeda. katakanlah hai pengembara, dimanakah dapat kau temukan tabib yg dpt menyembuhkan rinduku?

titik terdalam dari kesakitan adl titik puncak dr kebahagiaan. jd jikalau kesakitan itu belum mendalam hanya tinggal dipush lebih mendalamagar setara dengan puncak yg bahagia.

Sampai jumpa di "pucak" kebahagiaan kalau begitu. tak sabar kuberbagi keindahan itu denganmu

Ya, sampai jumpa manusia indahku. kita akan sama2 menikmati "20 tahun" penantian hingga bertemi (di) "puncak". have a great thousand kisses life. still tough!

Marijuana dan Doa

2006-12-12T00:13:00.000+07:00

Dan kita berdoa di antara wewangian marijuana
Tuhan dan dewa-dewa memeluk
Terpejam tanpa keasingan
Semesta tidak pernah gelap gulita
Semesta tidak pernah gelap gulita

Kesatuan
Nyata
Sampaikan kata-kata
Di antara wewangian marijuana
Kita berdiam
Kita berdoa

illness

2006-12-11T02:15:00.000+07:00

thera,
you are spiritually ill
you don't have to go to church
but at least you must do some yoga
embrace the nature
excercise
you know, those new age stuff
you should try it
you desperately need it
because you are
spiritually ill
and you need to cure your soul

2006-12-11T02:05:00.000+07:00

orang seperti kamu itu yg biasanya jadi koruptor

Addiction to Everything

2006-12-03T22:33:00.000+07:00

Hello, it's me again and my addiction to ciggarettes and "sex and the city". I am no Carrie Bradshaw, but I viewed my life as "Sex and the City". I feel so lonely it kills, desperate and tired of love, coz I always failed. Some of my friends are married already. Some of them have steady long lasting relationship. Some of them even already have babies! I'm just 21 going on 22 next month, January is just weeks away, and 2006 will be just another year survived.

I can't wait to make my year end summary, coz I'm tired of making resolutions that I always failed to accomplish. But better not write it now, coz the year 2006 hasn't ended yet.
Oh no, someone I don't want to talk to or even think about just popped out in Yahoo messenger. Better ignore him.

Okay, most of the things happened in this past 11 month sucks, but I'll remember it for the rest of my life. I'll give you an exclusive sneaky preview... Fall in love with a wrong guy, twice. Being dumped more than once. Fucked up million times.

I'm not a kind of girl that could easily fall in love you guys, don't get me wrong. I really have quite a standart for boys. I had many options, I could just pick one like picking a toothpick in a toothpick can or whatsoever it was named. I could flirt with my mouth shut. I drink beer right from the bottle, but yes, I'm very picky when it comes to boys. However, I always pick the broken toothpick. Or maybe all of them are broken toothpick?

Like Moody Blues' song "I'm just a singer (in a rock and roll band)" but it doesn't mean that I had a so-called hippie or rock n roll life. I had a blues life. Just like some of those Joplin's songs. Fall in love-need fuck-get dumped. Sometimes I got tired of smoking ciggies but I really couldn't stop. Sometimes I just tired of love but I'm addicted of falling and being broken hearted again. Well, aren't we all masochist in our own way? This is why people are smoking to death.

Fuck... I wish I had a fuckbuddy!!!! A healthy one... Heeheehee. Arrrghh I really wanna get high!!! I got tired of everything!!!

Plastic Bag

2006-12-03T04:26:00.000+07:00

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality i knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold

hunger hurts, but starving works
When it costs too much to love
And I went crazy anain today,
Looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said "It's all in your head", and I said "So's everything"
But he didn't get it
I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Plastic Bag - Fiona Apple

Hmmm... this song reminds me of some little part of my life... Apalagi pas bagian
"I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag". Ck ck... kadang2 kita emang salah liat sesuatu, dr jauh kliatan kaya burung, ternyata cuma kantong plastik terbang. Terus
"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills" huahuahua... bukankan semua orang yang pernah jatuh cinta pasti pernah ngalamin ini? Emang Fiona Apple deh orangnya, tau bgt perasaan gw. "When it costs too much to love" : hayoooo... siapa yg gak pernah dimatrin orang? Terus karena cinta, lo iya iya aja buat hambur2 duit, hayooo ngakuu.. siapa yg gak pernah! (dan ribuan orang pun mengacungkan tangan) Heehehe.... Nah, the last one is the best part, gue suka bgt...

"I thought he was a man. But he was just a little boy"

Udah gak perlu gue jelasin lagi kann???

Penasaran

2006-11-29T22:02:00.000+07:00

Penasaran itu enak. Penasaran itu bikin kita nggak berhenti mikirin kemungkinan. Emang sih kadang-kadang penasaran akan berakibat fatal, misalnya aja Thomas Alfa Edison waktu kecil pernah iseng ngebakar jerami di rumahnya sampe terjadi kebakaran simply becoz dia penasaran. But look at the bright side, justru karena penasaran kita menemukan teori-teori besar dunia. Einstein gak akan menumukan teori relativitas kalo dia nggak penasaran sama keberadaan segala sesuatu di dunia ini yg serba relatif. Karena penasaran, biasanya kita akan menemukan pengalaman-pengalaman hebat, walopun terkadang ini juga yg bikin celaka.

Well, I take my risk then... gue bener-bener penasarannn!!!

Yippieee!!!

2006-11-28T22:44:00.000+07:00

Ya begitulah hidup
mati satu tumbuh seribu, bukan??
Menyenangkan sekali yah serendipity itu
Ternyata dlm real life ada jg yg seperti ini
Pokoknya sekarang gw mao senang-senang!!!

2006-11-28T02:14:00.000+07:00

It feels really great!

Perintah

2006-11-24T22:38:00.000+07:00

Keluar
Ini Perintahku
Karena sakit itu sudah terlalu lama memburu
Sudah
Ini perintah
Bagaimana jika kau tidak mencari lagi permainan
Karena lemah sudah tangan ini bergetar
Mengetik kata demi kata
Melukis warna demi warna
Cahaya lampu berterang
Semua harusnya sudah bisa bersenang senang
Tapi kau
Mencari terus
Pencerna letih dan gulana
Keluar
Sudah
Ini perintah

Children of Rock n Roll

2006-11-24T19:20:00.000+07:00

moody blues lyrics

lyricsdownload

Binatang Buas

2006-11-21T23:27:00.000+07:00

Binatang buas
Santap
Koyak
Dia di sekitar kita
Menatap tajam dengan mata merahnya
Dan kau adalah mangsanya

Dia binatang buas
Lepas
Bebas
Berjalan di tengah-tengah kota
Memuja setan
Tidak bertuhan

Dia binatang buas
Hidup
Selamanya
Tidak ada
Ia terpejam
Tidak ada
Ia bermimpi

Binatang buas
Koyak
Santap
Kau tidak lagi bertubuh
Siapa yang kau puja?
Setan di dalam jiwa

Nov '06

Thera's note on singing: Releasing "The Beast"

2006-11-20T23:12:00.000+07:00

Lo pernah denger kan si gila Sigmund Freud bicara tentang seksualitas manusia? Kalo gw gak salah tangkep dari kuliah2 sastra yg selama ini gw ikutin, intinya sih kita semua ini sebenernya makhluk seksual yg buas, liar, binatang yg disebut id, yg sepanjang pertumbuhan menjadi manusia pelan-pelan dibatasi oleh ego dan super-ego (nilai2 diri sendiri dan moralitas masyarakat) sehingga kita jadi manusia yg seperti sekarang ini, memiliki dan patuh kepada nilai2 moral. Tp sebenernya, seksualitas kita semua itu seperti binatang buas yg bertahun2 dikurung, suatu saat dia akan keluar dan menyantap siapa saja yg lewat. Makanya, pernah kan kita nemuin kasus2 semacem orang pesantren yang tiba2 ngebunuh ato memperkosa orang (nonton tayangan TV berita kriminal pada jam makan siang deh)... semua karena manusia punya id yang terepresi, binatang yg mendadak keluar kandang dan jadi buas bgt. Hasrat, napsu, lust, etc. Lo baca aja sendiri bukunya, terlalu ribet kalo gw harus nyeritain detailnya di sini. Lagian jujur aja, gue juga gak terlalu ngerti.

Gue nggak mao bicara tentang seksualitas gw disini, gak penting soalnya, tp gw mao bicara tentang hasrat yg selama ini dikurung. Bila lo denger suara gue dan jeritan gue mekakin telinga elo. Itu karena hasrat gue buat nyanyi yang selama 20 tahun terepresi, sama seperti id kita, si binatang buas, yang siap menerobos kandangnya.

Dari kecil gue emang uda banci tampil. Pernah suatu hari di arisan keluarga, gue liat microphone nganggur. Di sana lah pertama kali gue melakukan aksi panggung, stage performance. Dengan langkah ringan tanpa beban gw ke panggung, gw membacakan sebuah puisi, judulnya BUAH TOMAT. Isinya kurang lebih begini: Buah tomat // warnanya merah // kalo dimakan // enak rasanya. Mungkin ini puisi pertama yg gue bikin, dan ini pertama kalinya gw tampil di depan orang banyak. Kata nyokap gue sih waktu itu gue baru umur 4 thn.

Dalam bayang2 masa kanak2 gw yg udah mulai kabur dimakan umur (biarpun gw msh muda), gue inget ada beberapa memori tentang ‘aksi panggung’ gw. Gue pernah ikut fashion show baju pantai (TK), fashion show kostum putri duyung (kelas 3 SD), fashion show fancy dress (5 SD), dan hampir tiap tahun gw ikut dance group di SD gw (tau kan… dance2 norak oleh anak2 kecil yg didandanin menor, diiringi oleh lagu2 ACE OF BASE atau FUN FACTORY dan tidak lupa berbagai macam ragam BOYBANDS _ harap maklum, I grew up in the 90s era). Seolah semua itu belom cukup guat gw, nyokap gue nyuruh gw ikut les nari bali, dan gue beberapa kali dapet predikat “penari termanis” dari sanggar gw (waktu itu rasa bangganya minta ampun). My mom raised me as a BANCI TAMPIL. *sigh*

Pas gue masuk SMP, hasrat banci tampil gue tetep blm ilang. Gue mulai ngeband, tp disini gw pegang gitar. Kita udah sok2an coba nyiptain lagu2 sendiri. Cupu deh, well… namanya juga masih anak2…Begitu SMA, gw seperti cacing kepanasan yang seneng banget ikut lomba debat Bahasa Inggris, menangnya sih jarang, tp yg penting gw pernah tampil keren sebagai orang yg (pura2) jago pidato impromptu argumentatif dalam Bahasa Inggris. Ohiya, teteup… banci tampil centil pecicilan ini juga beberapa kali pernah jadi MC amatiran yg cukup pasaran buat acara sweet seventeen-an.

Dari semua pengalaman berbanci tampil ria, sebenernya ada hasrat yang nggak pernah berani gue lakuin. Gue pengen banget nyanyi. Tp setiap gw disuruh nyanyi, baik sekedar sekedar karaoke atau apapun juga, gue pasti ngumpet di WC dan gak mao keluar kecuali kalo rumah mati lampu (well, gak segitunya bgt jg sih…) Padahal kalo lg sendirian di kamar (maklum, autisme terkadang kambuh), salah satu kebahagiaan gue adalah ketika gue masang CD player gue gede2, megang sisir di tangan kanan (as a microphone), bergaya lipsync di depan kaca sambil berkhayal seandainya saja gue bisa jadi rockstar yg bisa nyanyi di depan ribuan orang. Huah… you have no idea how fun it was.

Tapi bagaimana mungkin? Menyanyi saja aku tak bisa… huhuhu… gue punya banyak temen penyanyi, bahkan sahabat gue bersuara seperti Mariah Carey. Makin minder aja gue. Gue bener2 gak berani nyanyi, bahkan gue pernah sampe nangis karena dipaksan nyanyi sama nyokap gue. Suatu hari gue dipaksa jadi backing vocal temen gue yg suaranya seperti Mariah Carey itu dalem suatu acara sekolah yg diadain di GKJ. Dia maksa bgt… sebenernya gue juga gak pede, tp gw pikir… gpp kali yah cari pengalaman, toh cuman ngebackingin doang. Temen gue dengan sabarnya ngajarin gue bermacem2 teknik2 dasar nyanyi. Tralala dan trilili dan lain sebagainya… Tp ternyata… GKJ yang misterius dan dingin, penonton yang tenggelam dalem teater yang gelap, atmosfer GKJ yang (seharusnya nggak) asing buat gw bikin gue keringet dingin. Kita bawain “Runaway” by The Corrs diiringin ansabel kecil2an. But I sucked. And then I promised myself that I will never singing on stage again, ever. I, Teraya Paramehta, the greatest banci tampil in the 21st century, are too damn shy to sing.

But I still wanted to sing.
The beast inside me was furious.
She wanted to be liberated.

Sampe akhirnya gue kuliah di Sastra UI. Kala di kosan, gw sering gonjrang ganjreng gitar sendirian ato rame2 sama temen2. Hmmm, gue sadar sih… dirasa2 dikit, sebenernya suara gue lmayan enak juga asal diolah. Tp gue tetep gak punya nyali buat nyanyi.

Sampe akhirnya gue ikut2an teater. Gue belajar olah vokal ala teater. Yg gue dapet dr sini adalah bagaimana melatih suara buat keluar secara lepas dengan power yang kuat tanpa harus cepet cape, jadi kita bisa ngomong jelas di panggung tanpa harus pake microphone. Mulai dari sini gue belajar untuk berani “mengeluarkan” suara gue.

Sampe akhirnya (lagi…) gue berani bergabung dengan bandnya Nosa, Asep, dan Edy yang dulunya masih bernama Girls on Fire (menjadi WONDERBRA setelah gue masuk). Awalnya kita bawain pop, karena gue merasa nggak punya nyali untuk bawain rock. Pelan2 kita jadi alternatif, karena gue mulai berani jerit2 sedikit. Lalu kita menjadi rock, karena gue mulai pede untuk jerit2 lebih banyak. Lalu gue mulai berkenalan dengan Janis Joplin, dan gue sadar…

Gue sadar kalo yang menahan suara gue di tenggorokan gue selama ini adalah aturan permainan olah vokal. Gue pengen banget bisa nyanyi, tp gue selalu takut. Takut salah lirik, takut suara gue gak nyampe, takut gak pitch, takut gak masuk, dll. Padahal gue pengeeeeen banget nyanyi. I really have an urge to sing. Lalu gue liat ibu Janis Joplin. Gue dengerin Summertime versi dia. Gue uda sering bgt denger Summertime dinyanyiin oleh banyak musisi jazz, tp yg ini beda. Emang, bener bgt kalo di beberapa bagian lagu Summertime nya Joplin, ada beberapa nada yg gak masuk. But somehow it doesn’t really matter, coz she got something else other than her voice and technique that really matters most. It’s her soul.

Dari mami Joplin gw belajar, kalo yg namanya mao nyanyi ya nyanyi aja. Mao jerit ya jerit aja. Bebasin pikiran kita dari segala aturan yang memenjarakan. Rasa dan sensasi itu segalanya, itu yang harus lo bagi ke orang2 yg nonton lo dan diri lo sendiri selain teknik bervokal yang aduhai (gukan berarti gue menyepelekan Mariah Carey, dkk. Dan mereka yg ikut kursus vokal dimana2) Nyanyi itu jangan dipikir, tapi dirasa. Nangislah bila perlu, marahlah bila harus.

Menyanyi pun sama dengan sebuah karya seni, sebuah puisi. Tiap jerit atau nada yang gak pitch mungkin bisa jadi bagian dari sebuah puisi, selayaknya ironi, eufimisme, atau hiperbola. Semua itu seperti tulisan, puisi yang disampaikan dan dicerna oleh indera pendengaran. Puisi bukan hanya ada dalam lirik lagu, puisi adalah keutuhan, sinergi dari keseluruhan apapun yang ada di dalam lagu itu. Walopun lirik yg gue tulis kadang2 cheezy, tp buat gw semua itu tetep puitis, karena puitisasi sebuah lagu buat gue nggak sekedar dilihat dari rima lirik yg senada, kata2 pujangga, atau referensi tulisan dari Shakespeare, Poe, Wordsworth, dkk. Puitisasi sebuah lagu juga terdapat dari kapan gue nyanyi sambil jerit2, kapan gue nyanyi semi-berbisik, kapan gue menyanyi datar tanpa ekspresi. Karena semua itu punya makna. Semua itu puisi, dan puisi itu adalah pembebasan buat gue. Substansi langganan gue. Menyanyi adalah salah satu adiksi.

Menyanyi buat gue adalah pembebasan binatang buas gue yang liar, yang selama ini terkurung oleh rasa takut yang gue punya. 20 tahun binatang buas gue terkurung, and she’s now on fire. Soo, bagi mereka yang tutup kuping kala gue nyanyi ataupun mereka yang berdecak kagum atas kenekatan gue… Harap maklum… Binatang buas ini baru saja lepas, dan masih belum bisa dijinakkan. Dia masih ingin menikmati kebebasannya. Dia masih ingin berpuisi lewat nada.

Apa yang lo liat di panggung itu bukan gue. It’s the beast, my beast.

Cheers,

Thera

Berita Duka

2006-11-20T00:08:00.000+07:00

Setelah dirawat selama 4 hari di rumah sakit hewan, Shiro Watanabe Wiriasoekarta, kakak kandung dari Berto Watanabe Wiryasoekarta dan anjing pomerian putih kesayangan dari Teraya Paramehta, telah berpulang ke rumah Bapa di Sorga pada tanggal 17 November 2006. Semoga arwahnya senantiasa damai di sisi-Nya. Amin.

Shiro...

2006-11-15T01:00:00.000+07:00

Sedih. Apes.
Kadar narsisme gue lagi menurun.
Orang2 yg sayang ama gue secara sugesti kok rasanya jadi dikit yahh?
Ditambah lagi kejadian kemaren.
Tiba2 pagi2 dibangunin mama, padahal gue kuliah siang. "De, bangun. Kita harus bawa Shiro (anjing gue) ke dokter hewan dulu, Shiro kejang2". Oh no... Emang Shiro relatif uda tua sih kalo dibandingin aning2 pomerian sejenisnya. uda seminggu dia emang gak mao makan, tp penampilannya sih tetep baik2 aja... Hiks... Pas gue liat dia di kamar blakang, dia uda tergeletak gak berdaya tapi badannya rada2 melintang gitu, mungkin karena kesakitan. Gue pangku di mobli sepanjang perjalanan ke dokter hewan, diselimutin pake handuk. Dia aga2 pipis2 gitu, but it doesn't matterbuat gue. kasian, dia bener2 kesakitan. lo bisa bayangin kalo lo punya anak angkat yang uda lo pelihara dari bayi sakit, ada di pangkuan lo, tapi anak lo gak bisa ngomong sakitnya dimana. Hiks...

Baru sehari ditinggal di rumah sakit hewan, dokternya nelpon nyokap gue. Katanya Shiro punya jantung lemah, dan ada gumpalan di lambungnya. Kemungkinan itu tumor, dan tumor pada anjing biasanya ganas karena mereka karnivora. harusnya sih dilakukan operasi buat ngangkat tumor itu, tp karena jantungnya lemah jadi susah. Dan dokter bilang dia nggak bisa gimana2 lg... Ahhhhuhuhuuuuuuuuu!!!

Shirooooo...... Huhuhu...! Gue khawatir bgt... Gw nangis terus neh kalo malem.. hiks... gue uda pernah kehilangan 2 anjing gue, rasanya emang lbh sedih dr pd kehilangan pacar! Kesetiaan anjing itu jauuuuuuuuh lebih besar dari pada pacar!!! Affectionnya jauh lebih tulus dr pd manusia! Huhuhuuuu.... kenapa mereka umurnya gak bisa sepanjang manusia yahh??

gue inget, waktu gw kecil, ada film judulnya:
"Every dog goes to heaven"

atau semacam itu lah...
I bet it's for real...

Urgency

2006-11-12T23:25:00.000+07:00

I have an urge to sing
I was born to scream

Riders

2006-11-12T23:07:00.000+07:00

Kemarin malam
Panggungku terdiam
Sunyi senyap
Tirai pun dibuka
Dentum dentum dentuman di telingaku
Bawa aku
ke peraduan jiwa-jiwa tersiksa
Dia datang
Di tengah-tengah asap rokok
Di tengah-tengah kerumunan orang-orang bernyanyi
Di tengah-tengah decakan kagum
Dia hadir dan merasuk
Kami bersatu
Aku meledak
Aku dalam suatu ritual sakral
Jiwa bernyanyi, menjerit, teriak
Riders on the storm...
Riders on the storm...
Riders!
Riders!
Riders!
Tak henti-hentinya jiwaku menjerit
Yang kulihat hanya sedikit kilau dari langit
Sensasi samanistik
Entah setan mana yang saat itu sedang kupuja
Dunia hanya ada
Untuk jiwa jiwa dan jiwa
Sesat dan tak berarah
Tidak ada rasa sakit
Tidak ada darah
Bernyanyi, menjerit...
Paru-paru menarik
meletupkan
Riders!
Riders!
Riders!
Riders!
Riders on the storm!

Breeze

2006-11-06T22:25:00.000+07:00

The sun was staring at me, as if she just saw me for the first time
And the wind was trying to tell me something, about everything that happens in this paradise
The wave was singing a mezmerizing song, but I can barely understand the language of its own
The sky was painting such a beautiful picture, but I was too naive to understand what it means
There I was, with my my chardonnay, and the nature

Riders on the Storm

2006-11-05T22:57:00.000+07:00

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm

There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die
Killer on the road, yeah

Girl ya gotta love your man
Girl ya gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah

Wow!

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm

-the doors-

We are all riders on the storm. We are thrown.

cinta-cintaan

2006-10-31T21:51:00.000+07:00

Harap yg lebih tau dr gw mengkoreksi gw kalo ada kesalahan (pasti ada sih), terutama pada anak2 dr jurusan Sastra Indonesia.

Seinget gw dulu, waktu pelajaran bahasa Indonesia di SMA, kata ulang yang diakhiri akhiran -an bisa bermakna sebagai berikut:
1. Saling, kata kerja. As in "lempar-lemparan" and "tonjok-tonjokan". membutuhkan dua orang pelaku untuk melakukan kata kerja yg satu ini.
2. Berulang-ulang. Contohnya "Sakit-sakitan", "mabok-mabokan", "Guling-gulingan". Ya lo ngerti lah gak usah gw jelasin lagi.
3. Bohong-bohongan atau menyerupai nyata. Seperti "Kuda-kudaan", "Beruang-beruangan", dll. Gue rasa ini juga cukup jelas.

Buat gw, ada satu kata yg bisa mewakili semuanya: "cinta-cintaan"

Cinta-cintaan bisa membutuhkan dua orang, berulang-ulang, dan bohong-bohongan. Seperti mainan, menyerupai perasaan aslinya.

Gue menghindari banget yg namanya cinta-cintaan, karena mnurut gw gak jelas, gak nyata. Tapi kadangkadang... cinta-cintaan secara definisi bisa lebih jelas dr kata dasarnya sendiri. Gue gak mau hidup dan bermain-main dalam sesuatu yg menurut gw nggak jelas, tapi belakangan ini gue merasa ketidakjelasan ini bahkan lebih jelas dari pada yg kata orang itu "jelas".

Huh...

I'm really living in a phoney world... We even have some phoney feelings... yet, it feels sooo real...

TuMan

2006-10-25T02:52:00.000+07:00

Tuhan bagaikan teman
Yang sudah lama tak di sapa
Tidak sekedar "Hai, apa kabar kawan? Lama tak jumpa"
Seperti apa rupaNya, aku sudah lupa
Tuhan perlahan bisa menghilang
Seperti teman yang sekarang entah dimana
Aku kehilangan alamat rumahnya
Juga email dan nomer teleponnya
Entah apa yang dia lakukan
Dia menghilang
Dan terlupakan

Selamat!

2006-10-17T22:46:00.000+07:00

Baru sejenak saja kusaksikan dua jelata
Yang menjijikan, lebih dari darah di selangkangan
Sejenak saja dua manusia bercinta di utara
Menjijikan, karena bodoh adalah selimut kalian
Dua jelata miskin ilmu kaya harta
Bersenggama bersuara uhahyeakcomeonbabyalright
Sedayang, bukanlah dulu itu lintah yang kita benci?
Yang ingin kau remukkan di bawah telapak kaki?
Yang pernah kau ludahi, tidak sudi untuk mengintip lagi di kedua jendela kepala
Dan kini kau menjadi sama hinanya dengan si lintah
Berselimutkan kebaikan dan ketulusan hati
Namun yang kulihat adalah dua otak tak tebih dari gumpalan asap knalpot
Hitam dan bau dan tidak sehat membunuh paru-paru
Dan kalian berkecup-kecupan seperti tuan putri dan pangeran yang baru mengucapkan ijab kabul
Walau di balik selimutmu kita semua bermain-main dalam lautan dosa
Aku tak ada bedanya dengan kau dahulu kala
Menggenggam lintah dalam tipuan, tertipu dalam genggaman lintah
Menghisap darahku yang sudah tidak lagi segar
Setelah ku sadar aku berada dalam lembah darah penuh tipu muslihat
Aku berkata: "NAJIS! NAJIS! NAJIS!"
Kau pun juga menggema "JIS! NAJIS! NAJIS! JIS... JIS... JIS..."
Dan najis akan tetap menjadi najis
Tak kan lagi kusentuh, sedikitpun tidak
Dan kini dihadapanku, tak lebih dari dua orang jelata
Dan sekarang akulah yang jadi nenek sihir bermata hijau dengan hidung bengkok berlendir
Penjahat tiada raga tiada belas kasih
Ketauhilah, wahai dua penghisap darah bermuka dua
Satu adalah lumba-lumba berotak ulat dan satu lagi adalah serigala berbulu domba
Kalian akan lihat nenek sihir ini beberapa tahun ke depan
Dia akan tertawa, bahagia di balik kebodohan yang kalian buat saat ini
Karena suatu saat nyawa bicara
Ada banyak hal lebih daripada pengorbanan sia-sia
Dan lintah itu, sejak dahulu menipu kita semua
Dia bisa menghisap darah siapa saja
Tapi aku memang lebih jahat dan lebih cerdik dari lintah
Aku memilih tertawa
Mentertawakan kalian
mentertawakan kebodohan
Bahkan sampai terbawa ku ke mimpimu
Sekian, kuucapkan selamat atas kebodohan dan kemunafikan kalian

Depok, 17 Oktober 2006

Early 20s

2006-10-16T00:54:00.000+07:00

Photo taken at Celcius Cafe Plasa Semanggi. October 15, 2006.
Atas (ki-ka): Asryan, Lisa, Orbek, Cindy, me, Icha.
Bawah (ki-ka): Sisi, Dinda, Echa, Achi, Rinda, Bryn.
Look how ugly I was in the picture...

Omygosh, my highscool friend is going to get married on December already. And my highschool friends are planning to make a 'piala kawin bergilir' for the class. Oh well, time really passes real fast and sometimes I think I don't even have time to blink. Highschool times aren't my best time in my life, yet there are some stuff that really been the best moment ever. How imature we were back then. Those grey area.

And now here we are. Young adults in our early twenties. For us, we are one pack of a mature being. However, my experiences of having been in realtionship with some people who are in their late twenties or even early thirties tells me that, for them, we are just a buch of clumsy people... 'real life' newbie... greeny brats.

We're still in the phase of 'just started to plan life' thingie, which is sooo uncool for them. Oh no, I'm stereotyping... Oh well, it happens to everyone I guess. Including us when seeing someone waaayyy younger than us. We do underestimate younger people. I assume that it happens because of: (1) jealousy, since they still have a long way to go to experience life that we already had, (2) the feeling of being superior, just because we have more experience then people that are younger, and (3) we're in a whole different generation, we speak different language, we have different perseptions about lots of things, we enjoy different kind of mucis, etc.

Now lets get into a much more complicated case. This is a conversation between me and Nosa (more or less) in the middle of the traffic jam on the way to Cipete for gathering's thanksgiving...

"I'm afraid of being old. (Not because of death, I know him very well...) being conservative and all... I can't imagine myself being above 27"

"I know what it's like... I mean... those who are above 27 have a tendency of thinking into a more simplicity way of life, you know, they're all tired of the idealism and all they had during their 20s. They started to be in the life's construction... but in some cases, they are all rebel in heart no matter how old they are, but mostly they became conservative at the end. 'Get a job-getting married-having children-having grandchildren-died' kind of life. I think they are all sick of being different from the constructed people, and they decided to be in the construction, even when they don't want to"

"I know. I don't want it. I love this freedom. I am working right know, but there's still freedom in our way of thinking. I can't imagine losing it when I turn 30, I'm afraid I forced myself to be constructed"

"Thank God we're studying in Sastra. We can still living in the liberated-way-of-thinking area until our death. well, I hope I can... but can we?"

According to the older people, this conversation would be an evidence of our immatureness. The so-called "Peter Pan syndrome". But what the hell, we are still in our early 20s! Our mind has just been liberated. We just learned philosophy and cultural studies (blame the doctrines!!!) We are little birds, just flew from our cage. We just started to walk thru the other path of life. We just jumped out of 'the box'. We just planned our life or just decided no to plan it. We don't want to grow old, not because we are afraid of being old or afraid of death.

We are afraid of losing our liberty in our mind. Because we love our freedom.

maybe this is why famous rockstar died young... Joplin, Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kobain, etc...

Need Love

2006-10-15T15:06:00.000+07:00

If he speaks about himself, be patient. If he's trying to dominate, let him. If he wants to lead the way, say okay. If he's being doubtful, be straightforward. If he needs companionship, understand him. If he cries, cry with him. If he proposes you to be his wife, never take it for granted because he always doubtful about it. If he asks for money, never give him because it'll spoiled him. If he says something bad about someone, never judge. If he's down, encourage him. If he is taking sides, be neutral. He needs love, please take care of him.

2006-10-14T21:51:00.000+07:00

I know I did the right thing. I know that this is my desicion. I've seen some of my friends done stupid things just because of love, and I promise myself that I won't do such a thing to myself. So I left him. I'm glad that I only cry a few drops of tears,despite the fact that I miss him sooo badly.

Summer is over

2006-10-14T21:33:00.000+07:00

I'm missing something
It's my precious summer fling

Listening to his songs. Remember his funny face. Remember his silly jokes. Remember how he done me right. Remember how he done me wrong. Remember how he made me cry. Remember how he made me laugh. Remember how he wishper in my ears. Remember the hours of night phone chat. Remember how we clicked so easily. Remember his fabulous life story. Remember how he snores. Remember how he talks in his sleep. Remember how he touched, how he kissed, how he loved. Remember him, falling in love with me and me falling in love with him.

Summer is over.

kecupdanrasa

2006-10-12T01:30:00.000+07:00

Kecupdanrasasemuameleburmenjadisatu. Kecupdanrasasemuameleburmenjadisatujiwa. Kecupdanrasasemuameleburmenjadisatujiwadalamsatunadi. Kecupdanrasakitaduamanusiabertelanjangbersatumemelukdanbercinta. Kecupdanrasa, sentuhmusentuhkukitaduamanusiamenjadisaturasadalamsatualirandarahdansatunafasdansatujiwa. Kecupdanrasadankecupdansaradankecupdanrasa. Akudankamumenjadisatujiwasesaatuinisaja.

Kecupdanrasasekalilagilagilagilagilagilagilagilagi...

Bunga Rumput

2006-10-12T00:25:00.000+07:00

Warna-warni lelampuan itu tergeletak di jalanan ketika sang perempuan tiba di tempat dia akan mengadu. Di tengah jalan, tanpa sedikitpun sapuan angin untuk kumpulan debu, perempuan menunggu. Malam tidak berbintang seperti biasanya, hanya segelintir laron yang sedang kesepian karena lampu-lampu berserak, hancur, terinjak, tergilas roda-roda mesin berasap yang berlalu.

Namanya bunga rumput. Dia tumbuh liar diantara gorong-gorong kota. Dia menyanyi lagu-lagu balada yang tidak pernah terdengar di telinga kalian semua. Dia hanyalah hantu yang sedang menggali bagian dari pucuk yang terdalam, sebuah sapaan terhadap kehidupan.

Namanya bunga rumput. Ada sesuatu yang malam itu ingin dia sampaikan, tetapi bayang-bayang laki-laki itu belum juga datang. Tersamar oleh kegelapan, karena lelampuan warna-warni yang biasanya hidup di langit itu pecah termakan dingin malam ini.

Namanya bunga rumput. Dia menanti musik datang dari bayang-bayang. Terkejar dan bersandar pada kegelapan adalah mimpi dari sapuan langit-langit jingga yang selama ini dia impikan.

Namanya bunga rumput. Dia tiba-tiba menari. Hanya karena sang bayang-bayang belum juga datang.

murid-muridku...

2006-10-10T23:06:00.000+07:00

Murid2ku lucu sekali. Kebanyakan anak2 kelas 6 sd, tp diantaranya ada yg kelas 5 dan ada yg plg kecil kelas 4 satu orang. Mereka semua tergabung dalam kelas Pre-Intermediate di ekskul bahasa Inggris Tarki Barito. Pernah gue ngajar dengan kemeja kesukaan gue (yg emang sering bgt gue pake), eh murid gw yg paling kecil itu bilang "Miss, bajunya ko yg itu melulu...!?" (daaammmnn...!) Kemudian minggu berikutnya (which is today) gue pake kemeja ungu gue yg emang jarang gue pake. Eh si kecil itu nyeletuk, "Miss bajunya bagus! Beli dimana?" Dasaaar anak keciiilll... ini nih lucu2nya ngajar anak2 kecil, nggak bakal nyangka deh mereka memperhatikan detail2 kecil kaya gitu, terus ada aja celetukan2 kocak dari mereka. Si kecil itu, yg kelas 4 sd, salah satu yg plg pinter di kelas lho... Waktu gue meriksa quiz mereka... ada aja lho yg nilainya 3!!! (Padahal uda kelas 6) Gue jadi mikir.. am I a bad teacher? Tp ada juga ko yg dapet 9, hehehe... And si kecil dapet nilai tertingge ke-2 (8,6), hebat yah! dia bisa bersaing sama anak2 kelas 6 meskipun dia baru kelas 4! You go kecil! Tp gw gak pilih2 karena nilai2 mereka, gue sayang sama semuanyaaa... :-)

Kalo ngajar anak TK beda lagi kasusnya... lo harus bisa menjadi mereka, lo juga harus bisa jadi anak TK, bahkan salah satu temen gue yg laen yg uda lama jadi guru TK sampe kesehariannya pun ngomong seperti anak kecil! Padahal dia angkatan 99... huehuehuehu... Anak TK lebih kocak lagi, pernah suatu waktu gw jd subtitute teacher di Theresia, they're damn smart! Ada yg udah bisa ngomong ngelantur pake bahasa Inggris dengan accent Amerikan yg sangat kuat, pasti dr kecil bokap nyokapnya udah membiasakan dia ngomong bahasa Inggris, ck ck ck... Waktu gue baru bgt masuk kelas, mereka kan bingung gak kenal gw, mereka blg "Eh, Miss nya ganti!" hehehe... karena gue pake kemeja ungu (yep, yg itu lagi...) mereka manggil gw miss Ungu.. aiiihh lucunyaaa... Ada yg pas gue mao pulang teriak "Bye bye Miss Theraaaa!!!" khkhkhhhk... kadang2 mereka punya permainan baru, NYERUDUK GUE! *ugh...* Biasanya anak cowo, mereka akan lari dari jauh sekuat tenaga dan nyerbu perut gue. Gile, biarpun anak kecil tp rasanya lumayan sakit boo...

Seneng deh Rabu minggu lalu, waktu jd subtitute di SD PL dan ngajar anak2 kelas 1, koordinator gw masuk kelas untuk ngawasin, and she was surprised "What did you do? Biasanya kelas ini berisik bgt tp sama kamu lo pada manis2 yah?" Nyahnyahnyah... it's becoz I do my magic spell in the class... and with a wink of my sinical eyes when they are naughty! :-P

Beer

2006-10-10T22:57:00.000+07:00

Where's ma' beerr?
I don' wanna sing wethout ma' beer!
Coz I'm a beer operated biatch!

The truth won't save you now...

2006-10-09T21:47:00.000+07:00

Gue bahkan gak mao ngeliat matanya. Nggak. Gue itu lemah sama hal itu. Waktu gue akhirnya menegaskan semua ini, gue emang udah muak. Dan gue udah cape jadi pihak yang selalu harus nurut, jadi pihak yang selalu dikodratkan untuk punya peranan-peranan yang nggak bisa dihindari. Gue muak ketika dia menunjukkan cara berpikirnya yg "in order", inside the box. Sampai kemarin, sampai semuanya jadi nyata. Hati gue udah terlalu terluka untuk menerima satu lagi tekanan dari dia. Satu lagi intimidasi. Satu lagi ketidakpengakuannya. Udah cukup gue menjadi makhluk yang visible di hatinya tp invisible dlm universenya. I had enough of this kind of underestimation, and I had enough of your possesiveness.

Sampe akhirnya kata2 yang nggak boleh keluar jadi keluar. Kata2 yang nggak perlu diungkit jadi diungkit. Pernyataan2 yg menyakitkan. Gue menyakitkan dia seperti dia menyakitkan gue selama ini, pake kata2. Kata2 bisa lebih tajem dari busur panah, dan memang itu bisa membunuh bila tertancap terlalu dalam di hati.

Gue udah memberi kesempatan untuk dia, untuk diri gue sendiri, untuk semua kemungkinan2 yang nggak berujung. Gue memberi kesempatan pada kehidupan yang menurut gue bisa jadi nyata, bisa jadi khayalan doang, tapi nggak mungkin jadi sia-sia. Satu kesempatan. Satu penghargaan pada kemungkinan yang tidak terbatas.

Tapi terkadang kenyataan itu memang bisa dikonstruksi. Seperti kenyataan yang secara otomatis udah mengakar di kepalanya seperti pohon beringin ratusan tahun. Kenyataan itu bentukan angin dan debu yang tumbuh dan berkembang bersama dia. Beda dengan gue, buat gue kenyataan itu masih terombang ambing di atas sekoci, di tengah laut yang luaaaaaas, di suatu area yang nggak berujung. Kenyataan nggak perlu ditangkap dan dipastikan.

Wanna know about the truth? kenyataannya... bohong kalo gue bilang gue nggak ngerasa kehilangan. Gue sangat merasa kehilangan. Bohong kalo gue bilang gue nggak sayang. Gue sangat sayang. Bohong kalo gue bilang gue nggak kangen. Gue sangat kangen. Bohong kalo gue bilang gue nggak kepikiran. Gue selalu memikirkan. Gue khawatir. Gue prihatin. Gue berharap yang terbaik, bukan untuk gue, tapi untuk dia.

This is the truth, but the truth won't save me now... what I need is reality...

Gue nggak mao liat matanya lagi, karena gue udah bilang "gue nggak mao liat lo lagi!" and this time is for real... for good.

Hilang Sudah

2006-10-08T00:14:00.000+07:00

Hilang sudah. Selesailah sudah semuanya. Hilang. Semua karya2 gue yang gue tulis bertahun-tahun... Semua draft novel dari sma sampe kuliah sekarang ini. Peninggalan paper2 kuliah dari tugas2 yang bermutu (I got A for most of them). Semua pikiran, semua jejak yg gue tinggalkan hilang sudah. Ribuan puisi. Ribuan curhatan. Ribuan mp3 dan video yang gw download dr internet dengan sabarnya. Lagu2 langka, video2 langka. Hiks... rasanya seperti mati. Berlebihan nggak sih gw? Gw sangat berduka cita atas kematian semua karya2 gw yang gw tulis tanpa sempat gw publish. Gue jadi menyesal sampe sekarang gw blom menerima tawaran dari penerbit itu. Kenapa gak dari dulu aja yah? Tau gitu setidaknya karya gue udah terlempar ke pasar tanpa peduli laku apa nggak. Setidaknya masih ada yang mao baca. Setidaknya dia sempet 'dilahirkan'. Duuuh.. gue ibu yang jahat, yang terlalu lama mengeram anaknya di dalam laptop NEC butut dengan seribu macam alasan meskipun banyak kesempatan di depan mata. Nggak pe-de lah... masih jelek lah... Semua itu karena keperfeksionisan gw yang nggak berujung, yang pada akhirnya cuma jadi sia2 belaka. Sedih banget gw. Bagi seorang penulis atau seniman apapun, MEMBUANG KARYA ITU HARAM! Gw nggak ngebuang sih, gw gak akan pernah tega ngebuak anak2 gw, gw cuma terlalu egois dan nggak memperbolehkan mereka bermain2 bersama para pencacimaki yang nggak suka tulisan gw, g hanya terlalu takut2 anak2 gue jadi bahan celaan kritikus dan teman-temannya... Nggak juga sih... gw juga terlalu egois dan pengecut, takut muka gw tercoreng namanya. Sekarang gw nyesel banget. Mereka nggak sempet menerima celaan, apalagi pujian. Kalo uda begini biasanya semangat gw untuk nulis hilang sudah. Setidaknya untuk sementara waktu. Padahal saat ini gw emang lagi writer's block, dan gw membiarkan waktu berlalu begitu aja dengan pikiran: ntar juga bisa gw lanjutin kapan2... "Masih banyak waktu". Sekarang gw makin ngerti kalo waktu itu penting dan yang namanya kesempatan ga dateng sering2. Gw egois, terlalu takut dan malu buat nunjukkin karya gw ke orang lain, dan sekarang setelah semuanya uda ilang, gw nyesel mampus2an setengah mati. Dasar gw bodoh. Nggak bisa ngerawat laptop, digerogotin brontok lah dia. Shit happens. But not this kind of shit again. Damn. Gw berduka cita, sangat amat. Rasanya seperti lagi hamil besar terus lo keguguran. Kecewa, sedih, dan pasrah. That's the best I can do right now.

Brengseknya lagi, laptop gw meledak di saat seharusnya gw udah bersiap2 untuk memulai skripsi gw. Jadi apa gw tanpa laptop gw? Gak mungkin gw bisa bertahan di rental komputer mengingat gw orang yang selalu bekerja tengah malam menjelang subuh. Gw gak bisa terganggu dengan kebisingan gang sawo apalagi dengan bunyi tak tik tuk dari komputer di sebelah gw. Hah. Sedih. Bete. Sekarang gw cuma bisa pasrah sama kaka gw (yg mana dia lulusan IT) buat menyelamatkan hard disk di laptop gw. Semoga semuanya belum terlambat, walopun harapan itu sangatlah kecil...

I hate you F***in' BACKSTABBER!

2006-10-06T15:50:00.000+07:00

backstabber! hope grabber!
greedy little fit haver!
god, I feel for you, fool…..
shit lover! off brusher!
jaded bitter joy crusher!
failure has made you so cruel….

rotten to the core
rotten to the core

rotten like a crackwhore
backing out out the backdoor
show us what you’re good for
stick it to the noise board
come on join the bloodsport
show us some support, still
working at the drugstore
is it because you’re A FUCKING

backstabber!

(Dresden Dolls, Backstabber)

Kemarahan gue uda ilang sih, tp gue nggak akan bisa lupa sama yg satu ini. I forgive, but not forget about what you did to me. I thought I can trust you, but I was wrong. Seandainya aja lo tau, elo sama buruknya dengan mereka. Lo kira apa yang gue lakukan buat elo kemaren hanya untuk kesenengan dan keisengan semata? I was trying to help you, biatch. Dibandingkan dengan semua orang yang terlibat, nggak pernah kan ada kebohongan yang tertangkap di kuping lo dari gue? Dan lo memilih untuk percaya dengan kebohongan. Hebat. Penghianat munafik. Menjijikan. Gue uda memaafkan elo, tapi gak akan pernah lagi berhubungan sama elo. You are gone from this world. Goodbye forever.

Enjoy every part and details of this present time

2006-10-01T01:15:00.000+07:00

Hari ini hari malas sedunia! Bangun tidur lalu tidur lagi, ahh indahnya... Coba lupakan dulu semua rutinitas itu. Pusing2an yg tidak jelas itu, skripsi dan semacamnya, lupakanlah sejenak. Tidur enak. Hmmm....

Gue lagi tergila2 sama The Dresden Dolls nih... keren juga lho lagu2nya mereka yg selain Coin Operated Boys. I really love the one called Missed me and Girl Anarchonism. Gue jadi pengen punya band sampingan yang ngecoverin mereka. Buat seru2an aja. Karena gue bisa ngebayangin kalo ngebawain lagu2nya mereka pasti aksi panggungnya bisa gila2an, dandanannya juga pasti kocak. And what's good about them is that they're combining two aspect of art: music (as in band) and theater.Call them punk cabaret, or musical. But one point for me is that they're damn great. I'll be great singing and imitating Amanda palmer :-P (gapapa kan jadi imitator, kan band sampingan...) sooo people, ada yg tertarik? Gue cuma butuh a drummer and a pianist, the skillful one of course... tp gak usah hebat bgt kaya drummer band jazz siih.

Okay, enuf of shitty spoiled me. Gue lagi dilanda banyak kebingungan sebenernya. Kadang2 gue pengen lupain aja dan anggep semuanya gak pernah terjadi. Tapi sayang juga yah kalo dilupain. Gue pengen inget2 terus deh sambil senyum2... Indahnya sayang sama seseorang. Indahnya disayang balik. Udah lama gue gak ngerasain hal ini. Pengalaman cinta2an gw belakangan ini kan gak gitu bagus buat gue. Walopun yang satu ini juga bakalan gak gitu bagus buat gue tp gue ga gitu peduli sih, gue bakal tetep jalanin. I don't care what I'll end up like. I don't care about the future, coz the more we think about the future the more messy we be. I know that he loves me. That's all I need for this moment. I won't ask for more. I won't ask for tomorrow. I'll just ask for today. And when the time comes, I'll always be ready for everything. Every fuckin possibility. He said he's afraid. I am not. I am a brave girl. I will always try. I will always survive. I'll survive this one for sure, but this moment I just wanna enjoy every part and details of this present time.

us

2006-09-29T01:43:00.000+07:00

What are you afraid of?
Love?
Posiibilities?
or me?

It's another tears
And another
and another
and another

What are you afraid of?
us.

2006-09-28T23:13:00.000+07:00

Your Birthdate: January 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you.It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy!You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around.But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long.
Your strength: Your superstar charisma
Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you
Your power color: Fuchsia
Your power symbol: Diamond
Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

:-)

2006-09-27T00:53:00.000+07:00

I love every arguement we had
because I know you always let me win

On Stupidity...

2006-09-14T21:45:00.000+07:00

Everybody has the right to be stupid
Everybody has the right to be smart
It's just a matter of choosing what you think is suitable for you

I choose to be smart
I am ment to be arrogantly smart
I hate the stupid
Stupidity should be prohibited
Seriously...
people should not choose to be stupid

What is stupidity?
Stupidity is when you think what is right is what is wrong and then what is wrong is what is right and then it's wrong again and then it's right again and then wrong and right and wrong and right and wrong and right and wrong and right and wrong and right! No, it's wrong. Wait, it might be right! Rightwrongrightwrongrightwrongrightwrongrgihtworgnrgithwrngo

Stupidity is when you cannot make up your stupid mind.

Stupidity is when you have great marks at school, is when you got straight A's. Unfortunately, your marks on that stupid paper are useless because simply you couldn't apply your skill on desicion making in your daily life.

Stupidity is when you think you are smart, you claim yourself to be a smart person, yet you can't be smart in action.

Smart is being. It is not just a thought. Smart cannot be written on the paper.
Stupidity is being. Stupidity is written. Stupidity is stupid action. Stupidity is doing the same mistake all over again and again and again.
Stupidity is not learning from mistakes.
This is the ultimate stupidity.

Stupidity is when you close your mind to the outer world. Just listen to your own. Or just listen to only one person and says no to the other, or says yes to every single stupid people but abandoning the one and only smart advice.

Stupidity is when you lost your logic. When you lost your logic means you lost your rationalism. Loosing your rationalism means loosing your brain.
Smart is having your brain, using it to the fullest.

But the stupid thinks that irrationalism is romantic.

Well, you may choose: being stupid or being smart
It's up to you
You can decide to be a stupid person in this stupid world
Or you can be the smart one

It's your right, really
But if I manage my own country
I'll prohibit stupidity
It should be banned
Seriously
I'll send you to jail

Your stupidity is ironic to me
And I had enough stupidity in my life
I don't want more

Strawberry Wine

2006-09-05T21:21:00.000+07:00

Release me to your vineyard
Where all the caterpilliars have turned into butterflies and fly
And the smell of earth is deep
Let me be there and taste your juicy grapes
Let me drink you wine

And in some other time
I'll take you to my strawberry field
Where all the ladybugs still in their cocoons
And grasshoppers jump and jump and jump
Taste me, and let me be your strawberry
Let me remind you of the cloudy days and rainbows

Let us be strawberry wine

Tidak Sebelum Kita Dibebaskan

2006-09-03T01:12:00.000+07:00

Ada yang ingin kuceritakan, kawan
Kepada mereka yang tinggal di tepian
Kau lemparkan panah yang tertusuk tajam
Entah sampai kapan
Kau relakan retakan bumi menghajar
Memisahkan kejiwaan dengan dan sesaka dunia
Entah sampai kapan, kawan

Ada sesuatu yang ingin kuceritakan
Entah di mana suatu kekuatan suatu saat akan memecahkan kita
Menyembelih tiap puing dan debu yang terlempar ke udara
Suatu saat, di sini kita berdiri
Menanti perpecahan kembali menjadikan akar
Yang 'kan tumbuh, kawan
Entah sampai kapan

Ada sesuatu yang ingin kuceritakan
Sampai suatu saat nanti darah itu mengering dan kembali terluka
Perjuangan itu selalu sia-sia, kau katakan
Tapi sesuatu akan terbang bersama energi yang kau lepaskan
Mereka tidak menghilang
Melainkan melebur bersama nafasmu yang menyatu di udara
Jantungmu hendak meledak
Hemecahkan nadimu
Percikan darah di udara!
Terlukis ikatan-ikatan yang mengikat jiwa
Kita akan mati!
Tapi tidak sekarang
Tidak sebelum ekspresi diungkapkan, kawan
Tidak sebelum kita dibebaskan!

Bekasi, 3 September 2006

*dedicated to my lovely campus. Kampus sastra, Fakultas Ilmu Budaya Universitas indonesia, yang secara ironis kebebasan berekspresi sungguh diredam dan dipersulit.
Hei para birokrat! biarkan kami melepaskan karya-karya kami ke udara!
Biarkan kami menari di antara tebing-tebing ideologi dan putaran doktrin-doktrin para akademisi!
Kami hanya ingin berkarya, dan itu bukanlah sebuah dosa...

Happy 2nd Birthday, Bloggy!!!

2006-09-03T00:04:00.000+07:00

Happy 2nd Birthday Bloggyyy....
Sorry I've changed your name in the middle of our journey together
What can I say? We all change. Coz we're all moving. Something bigger, something louder.
Thankyou for everything, Bloggy dear. You're the one I've always share with in the first place when something happens in my life.

Thanks for sharing every pieces of my precious moments.

I love my blog!

I Love Frente's Lyrics...

2006-08-31T21:32:00.000+07:00

A girl is the world
That she hasn't heard
The truth is tiptoeing the edge of her skirt
The traffic's a blur
The street's a river
She's bigger and braver than she is clever
A mind so complex
It's breaking her neck
She thinks she's a car drving to its own wreck
Too wild and cool, vulnerable
To think one could change her
That's where I'm a fool
Won't you see it's her, it's her
See it's her, it's her

"Girl"

And I never knew before
but I feel like a child in a cold, cold war
So strong, so tough
Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
And I don't want to dance
I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
why am I thinking of -you and me and the labour of love?
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -you and me and the labour of love

"Labour of Love"

do you ever look out of the window
somebody's changed the scene
you feel like you're standing in another country
nobody can understand what you mean
are you happy with your human hatred?
stand up and look into the vacancy
and tell me -have you already decided to die?
have you already decided to die?

"Dangerous"

and i don't want to die
i'm as innocent as anybody
i don't even know how to spell revolutionary
Jesus in the sky the bullets in the guns
you don't even know what we mean by repression
blood is the colour of the sunset
you walked into the darkness
i did not hear your last breath
there will not be an inquest
this is not human interest

"cuscutlan"

Four Thoughts of the Day

2006-08-31T21:21:00.000+07:00

Thought #1:
Hah. I doubt it.
I smell something fishy lately.

Thought #2:
Happiness is nearby, coz it's the end of the month *payday..!* ;-)

Thought #3:
I haven't smoke cigar for three days. It's an achievement for me, you know.

Thought #4:
I feel like a little girl lately. I am one, actually. I've found my inner peace by being my mama's little girl. I want to be a child again. I want to bond with the children and play. And sing. And cry. And laugh.

I want to be a child again. Maybe forever. Maybe not.

I Love You. Oops~!

2006-08-30T21:42:00.000+07:00

It's an amazing week. I was falling in love. Everything is right. The only thing that wrecked it up is just the time.

Why?
Why now?
Why me?
Why him?
Why heartache?
Why pain?
Why tears?
Why ironic?

It has been an amazing week.
It's magical. It should be remembered with a smile.
No regret (should be...)
No more "why?"s (but.. but... why?!)
No more "I love you"s (I love you! OOps...!)

Why?
Why heartache?
Why pain?
Why ironic?

Everything is right but the time is wrong. But it has been an amazing week.
Can't get enough of it. He fits like a glove, for God sake!
Argh! No more complain. It's enough. It's juts life. It's not a big deal. I'll get over it soon.

Yeah... it's not a big deal, coz it happens all the time. I experienced it twice already.
Twice?
..... (thinking)
It is a big deal, then. Oh no...
Did I made the wrong desicion? I don't think so...
So why?!

"You make me sick but I love you"

Oops~!

No Way...

2006-08-25T23:47:00.000+07:00

A friend of mine is now talking to me through phone.
He's telling me how he's so obsessed with a girl. He's crazy about this girl.
I told him not to be irrational.
But he said it's hard.
Really? Yes it is.
Even a guy sometimes don't know to use his logic. So it's not just us, right?
Love makes people irrational.
Solution? Never fall in love.
But everybody falls in love!
That's why...
There's no such thing called a rationalist person.

A Walk Through The Woods

2006-08-24T23:21:00.000+07:00

My friend e-mail me this atheist joke:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

And then Nosa comments:
NIetzsche said: GOD IS DEAD!!!!
GOD Says: NIETZSCHE IS DEAD!!!
which one is real?

Should I laugh? Or should I pray?
I laughed, then I prayed

Thera's Note on Teaching

2006-08-24T22:33:00.000+07:00

Teacher. An occupation that once I hated.
Teaching. One of the most stressful proffession in the whole world, along with being secretary and accountant, and yes, -of course- president.

There past two weeks I've been teaching English for children in elementary school. And I'm in love.

I love the spark in those children's eyes
I love it when they're calling my name "Miss thera!!! Miss Thera!!!"
I love it when they're asking for more things
I love it when they're doing their excercises right
I love it when they're doing it wrong and ask for my help
I love it when they ask permission to go to the toilet
I love it when they're nice
I love it when they're bad
I love to know they need me
I love to know that I need them
I need them to teach me how to be a child again

Can you believe it? I used to be a person who hated children so much. But I've changed.

I love my new-low paid-job!

The Painter

2006-08-15T19:01:00.000+07:00

A casual conversation over a cup of coffee in a very corny cafe. Yet she loves his smiles, she loves the conversation. They talked for three hours, but it feels like three minutes. Then there is one flash of thought inside, "if only..."

He was a painter. He claimed to be the unsuccessful one. She didn't believe it. At least he still owns the brush, the pallette, and the colours of his life. He has his canvas nude white. A blank canvas. His canvas is sitting in front of him, wishpering, hoping to be coloured. The canvas sigh. She misses this kind of conversation. But the painter is leaving, walking away to his advanturous life, while the girl _ the canvas_ still hoping to be part in the adrenalin rushing wild world.

Dear Mr. painter, I want to be your canvas...

2006-08-10T21:08:00.000+07:00

Kau lebarkan sayapmu
Dan merekahkan durimu
Membiarkan dagingmu tercabik
Injenksikan virus di darahku
Sampai larut
Membunuh gadis itu
Merobek semua mimpi
Dan semua gores duri yang kau tinggalkan
Menghidupkan aku
Setanku
Dan mayatku

Punix, 100806

Hey Rockstar

2006-08-09T22:48:00.000+07:00

Hey rockstar
How far is the sky?
I had a crush on you
Believe me, what I'm telling you is true

Hot light, spotlight
Bashing sound of the 10,000 watt speakers
Pumping our heart
Hear the music
Feel it, and fill it

Taste it
Our life in twisting melodies
Blinks and floats beyond
The caprice on the lightened zephyr
Eternal emerald bliss and fear

So tell me, supernova
How far is the sky?
Maybe, I'll catch up later
Meanwhile, enjoy every beat of your adrenalin rush
In every step before the big bad rock n'roll bash

Depok Rock n'Roll city, 090806

-dedicated to a rockstar

Tanam

2006-08-07T23:51:00.000+07:00

Kembalikan waktu yang tidak pernah terbuang
Tertanam dalam berbekas meluka
Aku mencari keindahan yang sudah mati

Di dalam diriku
Tertanam hatimu
yang tumbuh merekah
Berbuah indah

Di dalam dirimu
Tertanam nyawaku
Yang kau kubur pelan-pelan
Dan aku pun menghilang
Tertelan
Kelam

More Tests!

2006-08-02T23:35:00.000+07:00

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rockYou're inspired by Joan Jett and the DonnasAnd when you rock, you rock hard(Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

You May Be a Bit Borderline...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...And when you're down, your whole world is crashingScary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself.You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed.
When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world.So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

You Are 44% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth.While you may not be a total hippie...You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around.
You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure.However, you do put some thought behind all your actions.Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Manipulating Myself

2006-08-02T23:18:00.000+07:00

I'm in a bizzare world where people always lie to each other and it makes me sick. I've always knew that we all live in the world where fakeness is something real, and reality is such a fake, phoney shit. I found same shit in different days. Fuck off. Hate it, but have to live with it.

Orang-orang di sekitar gue saling hina, saling fitnah, saling memanipulasi. Bahkan termasuk gue sendiri. Gue bingung, emang gue salah satu bagian dari pasukan pemalsu itu ato emang yang namanya manusia punya bawaan seperti ini? Damn. Gue sebenernya cuma mao jujur, makanya gue nulis. Gue cuma mao menghibur diri gue sendiri dan jadi diri gue apa adanya di tengah manusia2 pemalsu ini... termasuk gue... yang bikin gue muak banget sama kehidupan. Salah gue? Salah mereka? Atau salah semuanya?

I'm trying to manipulate myself right now, as I'm manipulating you!

There's no such thing like the real life.

Hey Mama!

2006-07-26T13:37:00.000+07:00

Lagi ngotak-ngatik friendster trus gue liat anaknya temen gue yang umurya sekitar 4 bulanan. Padahal temen gue itu setaun lebih muda dari gue. Well, dia bukan temen pertama gue yang udah punya anak sih. Tapi... duh gue nge-blank gini. Gak tau mao ngomong apa. Speechless waktu gue liat foto anaknya di friendster. Lucu banget, like an angel. Without wings of course.
Oh God... My friend is having a baby already. Waktu rasanya kaya dikejar setan, buru2 amat gedenya... sementara gue disini nggak bisa ngebayangin kalo suatu hari gue akan nyusul mereka, entah kapan. Si Bulan selalu bilang, kalo gue lebih sayang sama anak anjing dari pada anak manusia. nah lo... Nggak tau juga sih. I would have one of my own baby girl someday... Tapi untuk punya di tengah2 usia 20an... don't think so... It would end my advanture as a freelance lover! Huahahaa... Yang gue takutin adalah... Bagaimana kalo suatu saat that little angel without wings would turn into a little monster?!?!?! I'm imagening Lynneth in Desperate Wouswives. *Gulp*

Really... I'm being honest. I really really want to be a mom! Apapun yang ada di pikiran elo2 semua tentang gue yang "keliatannya-gak-bakal-bisa-gendong-anak-bayi" atau "keliatannya-lebih-bisa-ngurus-anak-anjing-daripada-anak-orang" dll... deep down inside I still longing for one. Gue cuma takut sama satu hal yang gue rasa jadi rasa takut semua orang yang pengen punya anak, I'm afraid I can't be a good mom...

Mainan

2006-07-22T14:18:00.000+07:00

Perasaan itu...
Sebuah mainan
Bisa di main-mainin
Bisa diinjek-injek
Bisa dikelitikin
Bisa dilempar-lempar
Bisa dibakar
Bisa diremes-remes
Bisa dicium-cium
Bisa dijadiin jemuran pakaian
Bisa dimakan
Bisa dipotong-potong
Bisa diselipin ke selangkangan kalo lagi mens (kalo persediaan softex habis)
Bisa dijadiin bumbu dapur buat sayur yang rasanya kurang nampol
Bisa buat cebok pantat kalo abis boker
Bisa jadi makanan anjing
Bisa jadi rumah-rumahan rayap
Bisa jadi alat pensedot WC yang mampet
Bisa diapain aja!
Dibunuh juga bisa kok!

Kalo udah bosen
Tinggal buang ke tong
Terus beli yang baru di toko kelontong Pak Tjiam Kong
Toh harganya murah
Namanya juga perasaan
Kan cuma maenan
Itu menurut kamu lho...

Mami Janis

2006-07-18T20:05:00.000+07:00

Mama Janis Joplin yang selalu mempesona... Iseng gw pengen post fotonya disini... heehee

Me! Ice Cream! Yumm...

2006-07-18T19:31:00.000+07:00

I tried a quiz about "what ice cream flavor are you" and this is the result! hehehe...

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz

About a (Best)Friend

2006-07-17T18:49:00.000+07:00

Thera! Inget yah... Orang jahat itu nggak akan di bales Tuhan! Gue percaya
Tuhan itu ada, tapi Tuhan itu maha nggak adil! Dia nggak akan ngasih pelajaran
ke orang jahat begitu aja. Buktinya banyak orang jahat yang makin subur, makin
sehat, makin kaya, makin korupsi, makin bejad, makin parah dosanya, makin banyak
istrinya, tapi hidupnya enak-enak aja nggak dihukum apa-apa sama sekali!!! Elo
yang harus ngasi pelajaran dan gak boleh diem aja! Kalo kaum lo diem aja nggak
heran perempuan-perempuan di negara patriarkhi ini cuma jadi anjing tengik
pemuas napsu birahi laki-laki!!! Nggak heran kalo perempuan di negara ini cuma
sekedar objek! itu kenyataan kalo lo hanya menyerahkan semuanya ke Tuhan tanpa
bertindak!!! I do believe in hell!!! Coz' we're living in it!!!

This is why I love Nosa. Seorang temen yang sering nimba beban negara ke pundaknya seorang diri. He knows how to make life seems sooo misrable, he knows how to burn my rage, my anger, in a positive way. Indeed I really wanna punch him in the face when he said "kaum lo cuma anjing tengik pemuas napsu birahi laki-laki" but he got a point in saying that. Pheew.. Nosa really is one such unique friend. Kadang ngeselin, kadang minta pengen ditabok, tapi (Argh I hate to admit) most of the times kata-katanya bener... not really "most of the times" well... mayan sering sih... Phew...

Liang Luka

2006-07-13T15:25:00.000+07:00

dan kala tarikan belati meneteskan darah
memberikan kenyataan bahwa luka itu indah
perih kah, kekasih?
kau simpan kecupan mautku
bawa ke liang kuburmu
di bawah tanah kita bercinta
menggali sisa-sisa perih yang mungkin masih ada
perih, kekasih
luka itu terbuka lebar
Penuh darah, penuh nanah
nyanyikan warna biru kelabu, merah kirmizi menyayat-nyayat luka
kau beri aku perih dari ciuman mautmu
gores pelan-pelan
terimalah luka, simpan selamanya
luka itu nyata
yang kau dapat dari ciuman mautmu
simpan cintaku selamanya
di liang kuburmu

perih kah, kekasih?
aahh, luka itu nyata
lihat warnanya yang menghitam
yang membalur percintaan kita
simpan selamanya di liang kuburmu

Bekasi, 13 Juni 2006

*Special thanks to Gema for helping me get my poetic productivity back

2006-07-13T14:55:00.000+07:00

Kekasih,
Aku tersenyum sajikan kenyataan indah
Bahwa hidup tidak selamanya indah

A Confession for Ex-Boyfriends...

2006-07-07T12:49:00.000+07:00

Dear all my ex-boyfriends...

Hello all..

Suddenly I miss u guys. So how's life? I heard one of you has just graduated and engaged, ready for settling down coz you've already met the girl of your dream. One of you now living abroad, and most probably you will never return to Indonesia (hope that I'm wrong). One of you has just finished your TKA, and now climbing up the entertainment career as a musician, well done. Some of you have another relationship with another girl... and so on, and so on. Some of you have changed, someof you remain the same.

Mine? Well... sometimes I stepped the wrong path, yet I never regret my desicion. I've met another guy, and another one, and another one, and so on... I thougt it would work out sometimes, but it doesn't. I'm still here now. Single and damn happy. Dreaming the same dream, hoping the same thing, believe in the same divine being. I once hated you guys, but no, I never meant it. I love you guys no matter how bad you guys treated me long time ago. I realized that I was -most of the times- a bad girlfriend. But I swear, I never cheated! Not even once! Well... Sometimes I have one or two "teman-tapi-mesra" during hard times but I always return to you again. What makes our relationship doesn't work is just that "we weren't meant for each other", that's all. I am still searching for my inner peace, I am still trying to tame my mind, I am still trying to be the bestfriend of myself. Sorry for the past that I've dissapointed you guys most of the times, and I also forgive you guys for dissapointing me. Phew... it was loong loong time ago.

I just want you guys to know that... I'll always love you!!! It's do damn cliche, but that's from the heart. No matter haw bad our experiences together, I am thankful for that. Coz every moment we've shared together, every laughter, every smile, every tear, and every pain... form me into what I am now. Every bad experience makes me a thougher girl than ever, every sweet experience makes me a more thankful person than ever. Everything, makes me a better person. Thankyou. And I love you all for that. I miss you guys too... Please keep in touch.

Love,
Thera

trouble

2006-07-05T12:33:00.000+07:00

If you're looking for trouble
You come to the right place
I'f you're looking for trouble
Just look around at my face
I was born standing up
And I was talking back
My father was a green-eyed mountain jack
Coz' I'm evil!
My middle name was misery
I'm evil!
So dont'cha mess around with me!!!!

Elvis Presley - Trouble

Owh please. yeah owh please. Yeah yeah Yeah.
I love this war because I'm a bout to win.
This is all a chess game. You must have a very strong strategy. You must wathc out for every move, every word, every thing. You must not do the wrong move and tell the wrong word. It's kindda scary coz you'll never know what's your enemy is up to.
But I know I'm about to win. All those blood and tears will be paid off soon.

Damn, I'm evil.
Don't you mess around with Thera!

Girls Night Out - white lies needed

2006-06-29T21:43:00.000+07:00

It has been ages since my last girls' night out. Clubbing. I am not a clubbers, I hate clubbing. yet, sometimes I want it for a little change in life.

Yesterday. It was a damn wild night. First stop to a small bar wher the drinks are real cheap. Tequila cola, a pitcher, please. 95000 IDR. It's enuf to get all four of us very very tipsy. I was a little high, tipsy, yet I took the car keys and drove to the next club. Haha. With all the strength and prayer that I have, we survived the trip to vertigo (i've never been there before, I swear). There we met this really high drunk guy whose keep hugging me and my friend. He bought us some beers. His friend told me that he's just take three inex, so be careful. Okay. At first I let him danced near us. but untill he became soo annoying, keep telling me how pretty I was, how sexy I was, and offered me to drive me home... I made a desicion.

He asked, "It's okay isn't it? I really really like you!"
I told him "It's up to you!" sceaming, trying to defeat the humping pumping sound of progressif house music that I can't understand, I can't enjoy (or at least, I was trying my best to enjoy the music and dance)
Then he tried to hug me again. Fuck.
Then I said "It's okay for you to like me... but I prefer girls"
He gave a surprised face. "You mean you're a lesbian?"
I nodded. He walked away. I scored. get away you freakin high drunk guy...

White lies should be legalized... in certain places and time...

Another Essay About Wonderbra

2006-06-23T16:13:00.000+07:00

Another essay about Wonderbra from Abaw, our favorite critique, in

http://somaphilia.blogs.friendster.com/somaphilia/2006/06/wonderbras_thre.html

Wonderbra's three new songs!
Freedom is the state of being of every artist, so no wonder that u can never constraint her works in a uniform scheme. The same rule applies to one of my fave bands, Wonderbra. Different from its previous shamanic single, “die!die! baby die!”, the new songs drive me to face a personality; a female one. The songs place me as if I was in this forlorn theatre where there’re only me and her, yet there’s an absolute gap between us; she was the performer and I was her only spectator.

Despite that fact, you need to know that I’m a very demanding spectator. If the story performed is just about a girl who is madly-in-love-need-fuck-get-dump, I’ll go away. But, what I’m seeing is a Greek-like tragedy with quality. It’s about one woman who is struggling to get away from the phantom that has haunted each woman since the day she was planned to be born into this world. Virginia Woolf gave the phantom an eloquent name, “the angel in the house.”

The woman is still struggling; I can hear her groaning, yelling, and cursing the fucking angel. But, the angel just keeps smiling, as if there’s nothing important; nothing significant in her distress. My heroine surely won’t take it, since the matter involved is deep; it concerns the very meaning of her existence. The angel is forcing her to stay on surface; blocking her path to her own essence. So you see that it has nothing to do with hatred. She doesn’t really hate it. She just wants to dig it deep.

Unfortunately, there’s no other way, because the angel is abso-fucking-lutely dull. She must kill it. She’s using all her might just for one fatal blow. Yet, there’s no blood; the angel is still smiling maliciously, keeping its composure; maybe waiting for her to get tired herself, and finally shut up. Slowly, the heroine starts to show the limit of her energy. After all, she’s just a human being. Her voice becomes weaker; soon it’ll be the end. But, even though I know for sure that my heroine will lose this battle, I can hear a faint whisper coming through her breath… ”this desperation is because of you!” … Some might think that it’s only some silly last words from a dying person, but for me, it show a determined will, and because of that, there’s a possibility for a hope; a hope that the heroine is just resting temporally; a hope that someday, she will wake up strongly and achieve her glory.

June 02, 2006

For critique about DIE DIE BABY DIE see:

http://somaphilia.blogs.friendster.com/somaphilia/2005/12/diediebaby_die.html

sms

2006-06-23T15:20:00.000+07:00

Semoga yg tuhan tau itu bukan kekhawatiran gue. Ada iri sama dengki g dengerinnya [Sender: 0816161xxxx, 22/06/06 00:07am]

Jaga diri lo Thera. Lo cantik, cerdas, my type, lo harus dapet terbaik. Ktemu di mimpi g ya. [Sender: 0816161xxxx, 22.06/06 00:15am]

a friend send me this sms as I told him what's happening in my mind. Surprised. Yet, overwhelmed. Happy. I cried a tear. I really like his unique personality and his words are so much help for relieving my confusion and madness. No, not as lovers or whatever, for we know we both are waaay too far away for each other and we both commited for someone, and something else. But his words "lo harus dapet terbaik", helps a lot. At least I know, there's an unlimited possibility out there. The possibility to find the best for me.

Bego lo ther...

2006-06-21T16:19:00.000+07:00

Thera! Lo kan bukan cewe lugu! Lo kan dikelilingi banyak cowo... dan cowo2 yg lo kenal juga bukan cowo baik2... Lo tau lah trik2nya gimana cowo2 kaya gitu! Kenapa lo masih bisa ketipu juga sih? Aneh lo! Bego!... Said one of my good friend. A Boy friend (Not lover, not boyfriend)

Theraaa! Lo kan cantiik! banyak cowo yang mao sama elo! Knapa lo mao2nya? Knapa? Emang seganteng apa sih dia? Huahaha... Bego lo ther! said another good friend, a boy...

Huahaha... Theraa... gue juga suka gitu sih dulu ama cewe, walopun ga sejahat itu, tp gw dulu pernah lah begitu. Bego lo ter, masih bisa ketipu juga! Padahal kan lo sendiri juga nggak sebego itu untuk percaya sama cowo kaya gitu another one...

yea yea yea.. go on and stupid'in me around. I don't care. I just need someone to share and really could understand me well. fcuk you guys!

It's not me who's that stupid. It's just him who's waaayyyy too proffesional. A professional cheater, a professional liar!

the truth about my life...

2006-06-13T19:36:00.000+07:00

The truth about life
is depressing
it's like wheter u have to choose the red pill or the blue pill in the matrix. The blue will reveal the depressing truth about life, while red will keep you sleeping in the dreamy beautiful 'fake' life.

Soo.. what it is going to be? The beautiful 'fake' life? or the depressing 'truth' about life?

I have always been curious about the truth... ever since I was a little tomboy girl. I know life isn't all about studying, school, birthdays, present, relationship, marriage, children, teens, maturity, whatsoever. I'm not sure wheter what it is. but I'm sure that it's gotta be something more than that.

It is something more...

I've read plenty of books telling me that I am living in such a fake life... full of people with socially-constructed mind, and a socially-constructed life.

We are all a robot. We are all a clockwork. We are all controlled by the society. Our mind. Our body. Our soul. Everything is fake. We are all constructed. You are constructed. I am constructed. Your parents are constructed. Your teachers are constructed. people who raised you are constructed.

Yet, you cannot live alone. You have to be constructed in order to be togerther with people, to have a social life. But your soul deep within screaming, hoping to break the chain. But your soul can't, because your mind is still constructed.

But it's all fake. I know it. We are all living on a fake world, we are all have a dummy life. This is just a phoney life.

The truth about my life is...
fake...
dummy...
phoney...

Even the truth is constructed

Hati Yang Pernah Utuh

2006-06-12T16:55:00.000+07:00

Jemariku menari bersama tiupan angin yang melambai,
menarikku jauh ke semburat warna ungu di tepian tangisku.
Dan pelukan orang satu persatu kembali ke alam tangisan dimana puing-puing pecahan porselin itu pernah berserakah di tanah.

Apa kabar hati yang utuh? Yang sekarang sudah menjadi abu dan pecahan puing-puing guci porselin yang tidak jelas lagi bentuknnya. Ibunda merindukanmu...

Lalu mataku menarik tarikan garis lurus menembus garis horison yang tertutup oleh gedung-gedung pencakar langit. Dimana lagikah sesungguhnya batas antara langit dan bumi yang jelas? Garis lurus itu kupaku untuk menembus waktu, membawanya ke dimensi di mana kau tak dapat bergerak. Hanya dirimu dan terorku.

Lalu apa lagi yang harus kulukiskan di hati yang pernah utuh? Tiadakah perasaan ingin memberontak, melawan, mencintai, bercinta, merasa, menangis, tertawa, tersakiti, terenyuh, terbang, terbebaskan?
Perasaan apa lagi yang saat ini menjejakkan waktu dan tapaknya di hatiku yang pernah utuh? Masih adakah perasaanku? Masihkan aku seorang manusia?

Aku dan terorku memaku dirimu. Dirimu terpaku oleh aku dan terorku. Bukankah kita semua hidup berdampingan dan bahagia bersama teror yang membabi buta? Bagaimana caranya cahaya gelap itu masuk dari celah hatiku yang pernah utuh?

Aku muak oleh kemarahan. Aku takut terbakar api yang kuciptakan. Namun aku juga tak tahan dengan bekunya es yang mematikan.

Aku tidak pernah ingin sendiri dalam keadaan seperti ini.

Aku ingin membunuh keindahan kalian. Aku ingin memasung kalian diantara batasan langit dan bumi seperti sebuah adegan penebusan dosa yang penuh darah. Aku ingin menciumi kalian satu persatu, dengan luapan kecintaan yang diselimuti oleh benci. Atau dengan kebencian yang dihias oleh kecintaan.

Aku mencintai keindahan kalian, namun aku terlarut oleh busuknya bau yang pernah kalian ciptakan. Di mana lagi harum mawar itu? Mawar merah yang berdarah-darah. Aku terlanjur terluka oleh duri kalian.

Lalu aku membangun auraku satu persatu. Melukiskannya di langit dengan darahku dan darah kalian. Aku tidak ingin mengembalikan sebuah kesucian, yang aku inginkan hanyalah sebuah perasaan. Kembalikan hatiku yang pernah utuh itu.

Aku rindu mencintai kalian dengan tulus. Aku rindu mengecup bibir kalian yang penuh warna dan aroma. Aku rindu merasakan gelitik sayap kupu-kupu yang perlahan-lahan menampar hatiku. Satu-persatu, sesungguhnya aku ingin memeluk kalian dengan penuh kecintaan.

Kekasihku, yang menenggelamkanku ke dasar laut yang penuh darah. Aku mencitai kalian seperti induk burung di tengah sarangnya. Aku bahkan mencintai duri yang selalu kalian ciptakan. Namun kenapa aku tidak lagi memilikki perasaan?

Apa kabar hatiku yang pernah utuh? Ibunda akan merangkai kembali puing-puing yang pernah terbelah. Menjadikan mereka satu, kembali menciptakan dirimu. Sudahlah,lupakan saja semua duri yang pernah melukaimu. Suatu saat nanti mereka akan menghilang dimakan waktu, dan kembali dengan perisai bercahaya untuk melindungi dirimu dari duri-duri yang lebih tajam.

Hatiku yang pernah utuh. Sesungguhnya akulah yang paling mencintai dirimu. Kembalilah ke pelukanku, kembalilah ke rumahmu, di dalam diriku. Mari cepat, sebelum aku mati membeku...

It's a Fair Life!

2006-06-06T18:53:00.000+07:00

In a hectic moment like this... I must manage my time to update my blog... besok ujian pengantar kajian budaya (belum blajar sama sekali) dan deadline jam 3 untuk paper film sastra (belum bikin sama sekali) and also lusa deadline untuk paper Pemikiran Pemikiran Amerika (Bahan referensi sama skali blom disentuh... John Dewey... datanglah ke mimpiku malam ini... lets talk about pragmatism, education and democracy) Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Status gue saat ini : MISKIN DAN LAPAR!!!

Tadi sore nyokap nelpon gw, katanya gue ditelpon unilever karena gw menang kuis yang beauty camp ke Bali itu... WaW! seru nih kalo bener (u know.. kan banyak penipuan2 gitu... hrs hati2) Ternyata Tuhan emang adil (ehm.. lagi2, mengingat seandainya saja pengumuman menang kuis ke Bali ini bukan penipuan) apa yang gue jalanin belakangan ini kan lumayan berat dan bikin muak, yet I still have some good news!

Another good news... WONDERBRA will be performing in lapangan hoki Somantri Kuningan (pasar festival) hari Sabtu 10 Juni ini... Yippiee... sudah lama tak menyentuh panggung besar! Yup yup yup... Tuhan saat ini lagi adil sama gue.. hehehe hihihi *sooo happy*

About Wonderbra... uda lama juga kan ya gw ga ngomongin kehidupan wonderbra d sini... well, kita akhirnya sign kontrak sama Limi Record, dan saat ini lagi dalam proses rekaman. Gw bakal dikasih 3 shift sendiri buat vokal... (sinting... it means 6 hours x 3 times = 18 hours!!!) Persiapan gw... hmm mengurangi rokok dan perbanyak olah raga... gue mulai bernang lagi dan pengen banget jogging lagi (dulu gw sanggup jogging more than 20km, jaman sma nan sehat jasmani dan rohani ituuhh hehehe) mulai latihan pernafasan lagi buat memperkuat otot perut dan sekitarnya... hmm hmm... it's gonna be fun... finally Wonderbra will have it's own record! Yippie...

2006-06-01T22:45:00.000+07:00

I will always be the virgin-prostitute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman. I suffered deeply from my own forwardness as a woman. As a man, I would have been glad to have what I desired. You are the man who is the axis of my world.He is angry at the amorality of women like myself. He himself practices all the disloyalties, all the treacheries, but the faithlessness of a woman hurts him. Life is not rational; it is just mad and full of pain. Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions. You are a sexual angel, but you're an angel just the same. You are a narcissist. That is the raison d'etre of the journal. Journal writing is a disease. But it's all right. It's very interesting.

(Anais Nin, Henry and June)

A Box of Chocolate?

2006-05-31T21:36:00.000+07:00

Saatnya menulis blog. Karena kebetulan otak gw lagi dingin, ga panas seperti sebelom2nya. Jadi mungkin isinya bisa lebih dari sekedar luapan emosi ga jelas kaya kmaren.

I can't understand how I was easily fooled. But it really doesn't matter much now. Since I'd better focus on my final exam. Masih keburu rupanya untuk menyelamatkan nilai2 gue yang jatoh gara2 sempet ada makhluk brengsek nan manja yg suka bikin gw terpaksa bolos di pagi hari... Tapi ternyata semua blom terlambat, gw masih bisa ngejar nilai walopun pasti ga akan sefantastis semester sebelomnya. I still cant believe it... kalo semester ini gw lulus smua, brarti 19 sks lg gw uda jadi sarjana... waw... (mendadak jadi ga pengen cpet lulus)

Hhhhh*menghela nafas* life... (cieeee cuiiihhh) Jadi inget apa kata ka Iqbal...

"Life is not always a box of chocolate coz it's not always sweet"

huhuhu... jadi terharu ka' Iqbal... oh ya, salut buat anak2 teater sastra yg kmaren pementasannya sukses (horeee masuk koraaann!!). Slama 3 hari pementasan gw nonton tiga tiga nya sekaligus gladi resiknya (brarti 4 kalo dong...) tp gw selalu dibuat ketawa karena joke spontannya ga pernah sama! secara gw make up artist and jaga tiket juga... Huhuhu, daku tak bisa make up yang baik dan benar, untung ini make up lenong. senangnya bisa memoles muka orang setebel mungkin! hahaha!

Ah sudah-sudah... mulai ngelantur. Hmm.. boleh lah mulai masuk ke bagian emosional lagi...

Jadi bagaimana semua ini? Kalo sesuatu yang brengsek udah terlanjur terjadi, lo nggak mungkin balik ke belakang buat ngehentiin semuanya. Salah ga sih kalo gue pake kekerasan buat kasus yang satu ini? kalo harga diri gue udah diinjek2 sama satu orang, yang ingin lo lakukan hanya bikin muka tu orang itu bonyok. Gue ga bisa tinggal diem aja, karena nanti orang itu akan melakukan hal yang sama ke orang lain dan ke diri gue. orang itu cuma akan malingin muka tanpa dosa. Fuck! Gue bingung sama orang2 kaya gini. Kok bisa sih melakukan hal seperti itu tanpa perasaan bersalah sedikitpun. Kalo uda kaya gini jadi inget Nosa. Nosa cerita... banyak kesempatan buat dia untuk ngejahatin cewe, karena cewenya juga uda mao aja dijaha2in. tapi dia ga pernah tega. Mungkin karena banyak maen dan bergaul ama cewe. Ato karena ideologi yang ada di otaknya adalah humanism, and feminism juga udah kecantol di otaknya dia. Mungkin. Gue percaya semua orang pasti punya nurani yang bisa bicara buat dirinya sendiri. kalo si brengsek itu sih ga akan mungkin... Puh! *pengen nonjok*

Dear God, gue janji pasti akan maafin si brengsek itu... tp maafin gw kalo sebelomnya gw pengen banget nonjok mukanya... piss...

Now let's sing our song... "Die Die baby Die!"

Pathetic!

2006-05-29T15:22:00.000+07:00

Badan banci
Muke kulkas

...eh kebalik...

Muka banci
Badan kulkas

tetep di *******in juga kan ama elo...
Sama p**** aja lo mao...

All those lies... All that act...
You're so pathetic!

At least biarpun badan kulkas and muka banci,
We dont have to tell lies in order to attract boys
We just be ourself
And there comes love

A lot of people said that this 'banci' face is a damn beauty, you know... and haven't you heard that 'Big is beautiful'? or u simply thinks that you're much better than us? Ha! Look who's talking! Haven't u got any mirror?!?!?!

You're just pathetic...

Beware of Liars!

2006-05-29T15:02:00.000+07:00

Beware of liars
They're everywhere
Sometimes they lie about things you couldn't imagine
and simply you believe it...

Beware of liars!

Flower in The Sun - Janis Joplin

2006-05-22T17:30:00.001+07:00

Now please don't you think baby

that I'm on the road to crime, yeah

You loved me, too,

So how come you just sit there

and laugh And laugh and laugh and laugh?

Things just happen this way

And not for very long

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Our love affair till it's just history, yes it is

And I attempted to love you in my own way,

I think that you know I did

But to have you here, to see you leaving,

Oh so near to me, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh but you're long distance and so it's still

And so often people are glad to be old, yeah yeah,

Our love affair is just history, yes it is

Once in a green time a flower

Oh, fell in love with the sun

Their passion lasted for an hour

And then she wilted, come on, lover!

Did I see you looking

up at the sky? Up high, yeah

You wanna get there is, whoa another day

Now how can it be, how can it be?

Well, I said and I asked you, why all this?

I just got to know know know know know know know

Our love affair is just a history

But baby, baby, I said it's over, child,

I can't stand it any long-long-longer,

You left me too lonely.
It's over baby, Where were you when I wanted ya,

I needed ya right by my side?

I said-a, baby, baby, don't you feel me moving,

Baby, don't you hear me crying?

I know I hurt you, but Lord don't you know I cried,

I know I hurt you, but babe don't you know I tried,

Oh baby, oh babe, whoa

I dont know guys... I don't know what to do. This is not the right song for me to sing. I feel so bad when singing this song even though I really really looovveeee this song. Damn... life has been a mock for me lately! I'm on the road to crime, so does he... But I'm about to let it slipped through my sleeves. The affair is just history...

Your Lies

2006-05-20T18:38:00.000+07:00

You can take me to the tallest bulding
You can take me to the top of the mountain
You can take me to the limit of the sky
With your most beautiful chain of words

Called lies...

So look what you've done to me, it's effect are destructive and permanent, and unbearable. But still, this is what life is all about. Sometimes you have to taste the scarlet blood running over your vain to know that you're alive. Sometimes you have to feel the deepest pain beneath your skin and inside your heart to be stronger. be strong. This is you, Thera.

nice pic huh?

2006-05-04T15:12:00.000+07:00

www.ImageShack.us" />

2006-05-02T20:49:00.000+07:00

"I have a statement to make"
"What is it?"
"I think I love you or something"
"No. Don't"
"It has no reasoning, and beyond my control"
"I need to get a sleep"
"Okay have a nice sleep then"

There goes our friendship...

A Clockwork Orange

2006-04-24T22:33:00.000+07:00

Heyyy I'm back! After a tiring three days of torture in Auditorium FIB UI during 11-13 April... the first Britbash ever has finished! And the result for me? A week of bed rest! (yea yea I got gejala thypus afterward... weak me...) But it's fine... really.. I mean, I've experienced a few days where I really can't move around too far fom my bed, and the temperature of my body was around 40-42' celcius (no kidding! really!) But I really enjoyed my extra holiday during my recovery. Heeheeh...

Anyway... I spend those days to read Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange for my Film-Sastra mid term paper, and geez such a notorious novel it is, but indeed I considered it as one of the best novel I ever read. I mean, Burgess really know how to tell a story about the war between our human nature of free will and the society's morality. There's this question popped by Burgess in his novel, what makes you really sure that you are a human being with free will? how can we live without our free will? Are we human really a free being or are we just being 'controlled' by some mechanical order, in this case, a clockwork way of life; society. What if this really happen to us? What is freedom? And what is morality?

Damn, such a huge theme for a human being Burgess tries to show in his least favorite novel (yep, the sensational and his most acclaimed work in the world, A Clockwork Orange is one of his least favorite novel, haha...) This novel also rich of it's linguistic new lexicon (Burgess uses the Nadsat language, some kind of slang he inventend by combaning Russian and British 'London' English) A tip from me if you are trying to read this book: try to find the dictionary of Nadsat langage first before you read it (You can find it in wikipedia, just search for "Nadsat lexicon") However, I'll never be able to understand completely the meaning of the novel if only I didn't watch the movie by Stanley Kubrick! The movie, damn it's also awsome... I love the way Kubrick visualize the ultra-violence in the movie with such a rich theaterical elements! I mean... look at the way the characther dances along with the classical tunes... even when it's a raping act or a brawl... it's still visualized as a beauty, thank to Kubrick's genious mind. (You know, I really hates rapist, and rape act, but Kubrick really is a genious for he's able to make me fond of this ultra-violent movie, but I still hate those rapist... I hate them... End of discussion)

Have you read it? Have you watch the movie? Damn, you really have to... but if you don't like it, don't blame it on me... maybe your taste in movie or literature just sucks... haha, just kidding... (Damn, the sarcasm in A Clockwork orange really got into me! Help!)

Secret Love

2006-03-20T21:14:00.000+07:00

What fantastic about an affair is the adrenalin rush
Yet, I know this is wrong
But the comfortness in his arms is what I need
I feel guilty each time I see the smile on her face
That I am about to take over her happiness

Puisi-Puisi Anti RUU APP

2006-03-08T23:02:00.000+07:00

Puisi-puisi yang ditulis kala "panas" dengan hak kepemilikan tubuh perempuan yang hendak direnggut. Yang ditulis kala "panas" dengan rasa terintimidasi. Yang ditulis kala "panas" saat merasa tidak dilindungi, terancam, terhakimi, oleh RUU Pornografi/Pornoaksi

TELANJANGI AKU

Raut wajahmu
Di hadapan ketelanjangan jiwaku
Menutupi pusaka juwita
Pertanda cinta dalam pelukan sang pujangga
Kala aroma tubuh polosmu menyelimuti aku
Menghangatkan aku dari dinginnya kesepian
Yang menusuk biru tulang-belulang
Disatukan dalam tiupan surgawi
Aku hanya milikmu
Payudara, bokong, paha, punggung, lengan

Telanjangi aku
Dengan bait-bait puisimu...

Maret 2006

APA SALAH TUBUHKU?

Apa Salah Tubuhku?
Sampai tega kau masukkan penjara
Kala sedikit kulit ingin bercumbu dengan udara
Sampai tega kau tatap penuh benci
Kala Ia bertanya arti eksistensi
Sampai tega kau rebut hak
Kala Ia ingin mencari setara

Apa salah tubuhku?
Apakah karena Tuhan menciptakannya begitu indah?

Margonda, 8 Maret 2006

*Selamat hari perempuan sedunia

LAGI-LAGI, APA SALAH TUBUHKU?

Lagi-lagi,
apa salah tubuhku?
Bila memang tubuhku salah,
adalah Tuhan yang menciptakannya dengan penuh keindahan
Maka bila anda menyalahkan tubuhku,tidakkah pernah terpikir...
Tubuh indah ini pemberian Tuhan
Lalu,
Apa salah tubuhku?
Sampai dijadikan lampu pengarah manusia-manusia ke langkah-langkah dosa
Sampai dijadikan simbol-simbol pelacur pemuas birahi yang membayangi pikiran-pikiran anda
Sampai dijadikan objyek keindahan manusia
Sampai harus dibungkus dibungkam diharamkan dihalalkan dikawinkan!
Di- Di- Di!!!

Ah perempuan!
Haruskah aku muak dengan keindahan yang Tuhan telah berikan
Karena mata-mata ini menatap penuh kebencian
"Kamu penyebab semua dosa!" kata mereka

Apa salah tubuhku?
Apakah karena Tuhan menciptakannya begitu indah?

Margonda, 8 Maret 2006

Happy International Women's Day!

2006-03-08T20:30:00.000+07:00

Happy International Women's Day everyone. Perayaan ini dimulai dengan aksi protes RUU Pornografi/Pornoaksi di bunderan HI, sayang gue ga bisa ikutan. Lalu siangnya dilanjutkan dengan perjalanan Depok - Kuningan untuk menghadiri peluncuran dan diskusi buku Feminisme: Sebuah kata hati karya dosen filsafat dan feminis pentolan Indonesia, Gadis Arivia. Gue, Nosa, Tami, and Lisa siap sedia di halte Anggrek dari jam 2. Damn! hari ini Jakarta kayanya pindah ke Matahari.. puanaasss bgt!!! Setelah nunggu setengah jam patas AC 86 jurusan Depok - Kota ga dateng2 juga, sebel! Makanya kita memutuskan buat naek bis yg ke Warung Buncit, and nyambung naek Kopaja P-20 ke Kuningan. Kita turun di pasar festival jam 3:30 tepat... pas banget sama waktu acara diadain, beli minum di Dunkin Donuts, langsung ke klub rasuna.

Now here it is. Discussion. Something all human being on earth have been doing during whole their life. I love this smart discussion. And this event is a feminist celebration. And what surprises me, many of those who's actually very critical about the society and support feminism are actually male (male-feminist!!! Sluurrpp... for me their sex-appeal are twice bigger then ordinary guys) and women who's wearing jilbab (you know... most of those who's against feminism are religious people) But this discussion has changed my mind, especially when Prof.Dr.Siti Musdah Mulia (Guru Besar UIN) explains that actually religion doesn't contradict feminism. they actually could step the path together if only people re-interpret the Bible/Koran. I said to myself... pheww.. thank God. I always believe deep in my heart that God created us all... different, yet equal. And yes, Rocky Gerung SS as the moderator was very funny and 'nyantai', I think he's the right person for this discussion, and there was Maria hartiningsih, M.Hum (wartawan Kompas) too, as the speaker.

When I was there. I exacty know what I'm fighting for in life. At first I thought I'm fighting (only) for my kind, wich is women, but actually I don't... I'm fighting for all human-kind... by being a feminist.

Being a feminist doesn't mean that you are an anti-male. Anti-patriarchy as a sistem doens't mean that you're an anti-male. The same thing by against RUU Anti Pornografi/Pornoaksi, doesn't make you a sex maniac or porn lover. Simply, as a woman, I don't think the RUU could really protect women, it simply just gonna put more woman to jail. I actually feel intimidated by those RUU, I feel that as if the government hates my body. APA SALAH TUBUHKU??? APAKAH KARENA TUHAN MENCIPTAKANNYA BEGITU INDAH??? that's what I wrote in the white sheet at that event. And for sure, I believe that my body is my own... please do not politicize it!!! Yea yea.. those people claim theirselves to be the morality superhero.. but I think what best is to manage our morality first... before think of other's people morality. You know what they should do best if they really wanna save Indonesia's morality? Berantas korupsi! Bah!

Anyway... during the whole session, I really think that... I'm not in the wrong path. This is the thing that makes me what I am now. Some people might think that I'm a crazy bitch, male-haterz, whatever... but for sure...All I do is fighting for something I believe is right. And what is right for me, is equality. That's what feminism is all about.

Happy International Women's Day!

March 8, 2006

Sebuah Puisi Tandem Bersama Gema

2006-03-06T16:19:00.000+07:00

Langkahi panggung terbuka
Dengan wajah berbeda
Cahaya membawa dunia
Dimana seseorang kenakan topeng pecinta

menarilah, seperti helai-helai sajak
meski perih
meski luka
menarilah, seperti helai-helai sajak

Seperti jelaga yang terbuka diantara lelangit jingga
Menangkap helai-helai sajak yang tersesat
Meski rindu
Meski pilu
Kutunggu kau di tengah kumulus kelabu

sepi paling giris adalah panggung kita
ngilu paling pedih adalah lagu-lagu kita
tetaplah menari,
senja masih begitu jauh
menarilah seperti impian rapuh

ritus apalagi yang kita punya selain kenangan?
dan luka
adalah sajak yang selalu datang, bukan?
menangkap helai-helai sajak yang tersesat
impian rapuh kita
dan luka
dan luka

dan luka
luka
yang menghidupkan kita

Margonda Raya, 3 Maret 2006 00:24

Pink: Thera
Purple: Gema

Bad Girl

2006-03-06T16:03:00.000+07:00

When I was a teenager, I promised myself not to date guys whose already have a relationship. Because I don't want to be the bad girl, I don't want to be the evil (yet every person on earth has his/her own evil within) But what happening now is... the temptation in front of me... Damn temptation... of a commited guy.

I'm looking at the picture of a girl who seemed to have a perfect life. I know that smile. That is the smile of happiness that I barely ever had. I wish I can have that kind of happiness, oh wait... I once have it. But I lost it, or perhaps, happiness itself who's turning it's back on me. Damn, it was two years ago already. I had that smile, once... I was that happy once...

I don't wanna be the bad girl. I don't wanna be the bad girl. I don't wanna be the bad girl. I think this silly 'fun search' has to be over soon. As soon as possible. I don't wanna be the person who's taking away someone's happiness. Nope, that's not me. After the silly "dream date" he has given me... then it's over. I don't want to be the bad girl.

*See, this is the reason sometimes I don't trust boys. And worse, I barely even trust myself for this kind of case...

Some Witty Questions to be Answered

2006-03-03T00:22:00.000+07:00

I got these questions from Sindro

if you were stranded on a desert island and could have only one piece of music to listen to, what would it be?
[+] midnight song - wonderbra (haha!)

if you were to die in a public place, exactly what spot would you choose?
[+] grand canyon, that's a public place rite? or maybe on the top of eiffel tower

if you had to have one piece of music softly playing in our mind for the rest of your life, what would you want it to be?
[+] an ode - wonderbra (hahaa!!! again! don't worry... it's a slow ballad blues. And after hearing that damn Sembodo 'hitting' that drums, trying to catch the beat from the metronom, I'm getting sick of this song already)

If you could decide what will be written on your gravestone, what would you have inscribed?
[+]
Teraya Paramehta
Born January 14, 1985
Do not stand at my grave and weep,I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you wake in the morning hush,I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starlight at night
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die!
~a poem by Mary Frye~

(damn.. I love this poem... ini wasiat gw ya teman2.. kalo suatu saat Tuhan uda manggil gw, tolong di 'stone' gw dipahat puisi kesayangan gw ini... thanks!)

if you could have any person from any time in history call you for advice, and they were to listen to what you told them, who would you want to hear them?
[+] Hitler, dear... please don't do such a thing to the mankind...

if you could have been the author of any single book already written, which book would you want to have penned?
[+] The American Tragedy - Theodore Dreiser (karena sekarang kelas urban Novel sedang membahas novel 800 hlm lebih itu.. haha) No... I wish I'm the one who's written "supernova".

if you had to give up your children to the care of someone famous, who would you pick?
[+] I dunno... have no idea... perhaps.. Mother Theresa?? She will take a very good care of my children. And my children will not be such a sinner like me...

if you could arrange a jam session with any musicians in history, who would you include?
[+] witty question... Ray Manzarek (The Doors) on keyboard for sure, Jimi hendrix on guitar, Flea (RHCP) on bass, drummernya Led Zepplin (forgot his name) and me as the vocalist (Jim Morisson, James Brown, and Janis Joplin can be my backing vocals... Hahaha!!! pede beraattt!!!) Hmm... such a nice combination... I would named the band "THE LEGENDS" hahaha

if you were to select a food that best describes you character, what food would it be?
[+] anything without sugar coz I'm not that nice...
anything with spice coz I think I'm hot...
(huaaaa.. noooo.... I know you're starting to hate me... I'm just kidding!)

The answer would be... chocolate mint ice cream, with lots of whipped cream and a cherry on top. Because I think minty taste is mysterious, choco is something easily loved (such a reverse of me), whipped cream is children's favorite since it reminds you of the cloudy heaven. And cherry... I just wish I could be a Cherry...

in conclusion... I wanna be a desert! haha...

Malam Yang Membosankan

2006-03-01T21:50:00.000+07:00

Lagi-lagi malam ini... Membosankan!
Another thought of "What the heck I'm doing in life!!!" Damn.. I wanna get ri of this thought but it linger in my mind still... Damn, I feel like I have no purpose. This is dangerous...

Anyway... this is something I wanna write for today...

10 THINGS I WANT IN A LOVER... EVERYTHING I CAN FIND IN JIM MORISSON!!! (Grrr.. roarr... sluuurrrppp...)
1. Artistic
2. Poetic
3. Damn cute (roar...)
4. Romantic (really? not sure)
5. Gondrooonnnggggg
6. Nice body
7. Those lizard eyes... hmmm...
8. Good in bed (hahaha!)
9. Flower power
10. Philosophical

"I'm the lizard king!!!! I can do anything!!!"
muss u hunny!!!

Marah Marah

2006-02-08T19:23:00.000+07:00

Gue rese? OK fine, gue rese... tapi tau apa sih kalian semua? Gue rese karena gw ga dapet apa yg gw mao. Dan gw ngerasa berhak, sangat berhak! Setelah apa yg uda gw lakuin buat dia, apa dia ga pernah mikir kalo itu bagian dari dedikasi gw? Knp? Krn sayang? Tp sumpah... sekarang gw nyesel bgt pernah punya perasaan itu... setelah tau kenyataan. Ternyata hari gini masih ada orang yg suka makan kulit kacang, udah gitu begitu dia tau rasanya ga enak, di lepeh begitu aja.

Semuanya harus equal kan? Harus adil... Harus seimbang...

Hati2 sama perasaan orang, tp lebih hati2 lagi sama perasaan diri sendiri...

On Fire

2006-02-03T19:32:00.000+07:00

"Love is a friendship on fire" - The Perfect Man

Okay. I don't really like Hillary Duff, for me she's just another bubble gum diva, but anyway I watched her movie The Perfect Man just because I need some easy movie. It is indeed very easy... but not cheesy. Anyway, I didn't expected that I would find such quotation. Surprise surprise, it strikes right into my heart. Love is a friendship on fire. Beautiful. But maybe I don't need fire as house on fire, all I need is just a little flame just to keep it warm.

Anyway, I still don't know what I want for sure. But about love? too complicated, absurd, yet I still longing for it.

A Conversation of Confused People (Part Two)

2006-01-27T12:38:00.000+07:00

"I now know how to raise a child!"
"So, you're planning to have a child now?"
"I love those angleic innocent smile! I wish to have one of my own someday"
"Those angelic innocent smile will not last forever, and one day you'll lost the smile and you'll find a little evil asking for your money everyday"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm talking about teens"
"Oh"